Nine years ago, almost to the day, I bought a brand new car. It was the exact car I'd picked out: a pretty purplish-blue, the exact features and extras I wanted, and it only had 17 miles on it when I drove it off the lot. I was 18 years old and it was the first car I'd ever actually owned. I loved it and planned to drive it until it died. I even made sure to get a 4-door vehicle so that when, in the extremely distant (I thought) future when I had kids, I could still keep driving my pretty car.
Last Friday, I sold it.
It's kind of sad for me, really. I have a lot of awesome memories of that car. It took Eric and I on lots of trips to the beach and King's Dominion. It took me to work every day for years: sometimes right in town, sometimes an hour or more away. It brought my first precious baby home from the hospital. It's taken my family members to countless doctor's appointments, fun days, activities, etc... It's taken my husband and I on vacations to Florida and New Orleans; it took us on our Honeymoon! It's taken us Christmas and birthday shopping. It even took us on one memorable camping trip on a rocky road that was really only fit for a Jeep; it got a little battered and a lot splattered with mud on that trip. It's taken us to bars and to churches and everywhere in between. It's been carelessly junked up and lovingly cleaned. It got a new transmission when it was only two years old and once the entire exhaust system fell off in the parking lot, but all in all it's been a faithful traveling companion. I called it (her) Suzanne.
So, you may be wondering why, after all the miles and memories, are we making a change? Well, we're having another baby, and, as a dear friend of mine put it, "unless you have a 10-inch-wide ass [or 10-inch-wide car seat, as the case may be], another person's not fitting in there!"
And it took me a few days and one last cruise up the interstate with Suzanne, but I've made my peace with that. Suzanne was the car of a free spirit, but the fact that she isn't mine anymore doesn't change all those awesome memories nor does it change who I am.
But I must say I never, ever, ever saw myself driving a mini-van. That's right... I said mini-van. I am officially a Cub Scout hauling, play date carpooling, homeschool field-tripping, soccer mom with a soccer ball shaped belly. (Technically minus the actual soccer... we're doing Cub Scouts and karate at the moment... no soccer). That's just not what I envisioned of myself, you know?
When I bought Suzanne nine years ago, I planned to get married around age 24, have 2 kids MAX before age 30, put them both in daycare and then public school, work a day job... the normal life of an average American woman. Nothing at all wrong with that! I did live that life for quite a while after my son was born (I was 20 by the way... the best laid schemes of mice and men....). I loved my son, but I didn't want to be one of those women who gives up everything just to breed. But I found that normal life of an average American woman to be really deeply dull and unsatisfying for me.
Sometimes the Holy Spirit just comes along and smacks you in the face. And about 3.5 years ago, I met Jesus and He pretty much did just that. I met Him and fell in love with Him. I fell back in love with my husband. And as far as parenting and life, I learned two really important lessons: 1) Being a "free spirit" sometimes means going against the norm - not just the social norm; that's a given - but also the normal you've defined for yourself; and 2) a parent sometimes gives up every aspect of themselves for the good of their children.
I first noticed a parent sacrificing something huge for a child when I was pregnant with my oldest child. (I say I first noticed it because I KNOW that I witnessed examples of this many times before, many from my own mother, but as a child, I just didn't take note of these things). Anyhoo... the parent I first noticed making such a huge sacrifice was my son's father, the man who would become my husband, Eric. It was years before we were Christians - we were just stumbling along hoping to do the right things (whereas now we're still stumbling along, but we have a pretty awesome guide!). Just weeks before our son was due, Eric was offered a position with a fairly big-name regional band. the band went on to become the backing band for an extremely big-name rock star. The position he was offered was his literal dream-come-true - a dream he'd had since he was 12 years old. But he was about to become a daddy. And the position with the band meant a lot of traveling, a lot of missing out, and not a lot of being home. He turned it down and chose father-hood. I should have envisioned the mini-van then.
Since then, I've seen many examples of this, but one really tops them all. (You know me... you should have known where this was headed...). God, our heavenly father, chose to give up that part of Himself. He came to earth as a poor, helpless baby (not even a baby born in a nice birth center in a jacuzzi... he was born in a barn!). He was completely dependent on His parents. He grew up, had to go to school, learn a trade, work hard. I'm sure He got sick and He got tired and things annoyed Him. Then He started His ministry and people followed him everywhere and people said bad things about Him and even His friends didn't treat Him particularly well. And then He was betrayed by a friend, arrested, tortured and murdered. And the whole time, He was God.
He never stopped being God. But He sacrificed everything for the good of His children. In light of all that, being a stay-at-home, mini-driving mommy seems like a pretty miniscule sacrifice, even for a free spirit.
And really, when you think about it, Jesus was the ultimate free spirit. He always went against the norm. He loved those whom society hated, He put down people that society looked up to. He broke all sorts of social rules. He never, ever backed down or strayed from the Plan. Even when the things He had to do were things He really didn't want to do, He didn't quit or run away. He did what He planned to do no matter what.
That is my Jesus, the ultimate free spirit, the perfect parent. That is the man I follow. So if that means in my little life at this little moment, I have to drive a big fat mommy-van to the glory of God... Praise Him! I will do it!
The children and life that He has given to me is so much more important than the image of my self that I've designed in my own head. I sometimes (okay, often) need a little nudge to remember what and who is really important in life. Thanks be to God, I now have a large white reminder parked in my driveway. At least, it's parked there for now, until the next Cub Scout meeting. And I'll be happy to drive it there and anywhere else that He takes my growing family to make new memories in our new vehicle.
And... just as a side note, I thought I'd share this little anecdote...
The night after we got our mini-van, I had to make a 10pm grocery store run for milk and bread. The closest grocery store to us is in an area mainly populated by college students, and this happened to be a Friday night before a big home football game for the local college. So I got in line with my milk, bread, cloth shopping bags, and huge pregnant belly behind a lot of kids buying beer and Coke, juice and other mixers. (And yes, I know it sounds like I'm stereotyping them, but literally that's the kind of stuff that everyone I was behind was purchasing!) After I paid, I was walking out to my car at the same time as a good number of those kids, and it occurred to me.... "They know I'm getting into that mini-van..." I've never felt more conspicuous in my life! I just knew that they knew that I had to be the one getting into that mini-van and driving it home...
So I did.
In a couple of years they have built a home-sweet-home... with a couple of kids running in the yard of Desmond and Molly Jones...." ~The Beatles
Wednesday, October 19, 2011
Monday, October 10, 2011
In which I am not of the world... or... am I?
I was recently involved in a discussion about how we, as Christians, are to be different from the world and about what makes us different. The conversation was actually very brief, but it left me mulling the question over for hours afterward. How am I different from the world? I'm sure that every Christian has some ideas in their head about what makes them different and about what should make Christians different. I know that I do.
But the more I thought about it, the more the whole thing left a bad taste in my mouth. It's true that scripture predicts that we will be different from the world and unloved by it. I will certainly not dispute that in any way! But I feel like thinking about it in this light brings up a much darker heart problem for me: pride.
When first asked "how are you different from the world?" I immediately thought of some things: I'm a homeschool mom training up my children, I'm a stay at home mom, Titus 2 wife, I'm being fruitful and multiplying to the glory of God... All pretty awesome, unworldly stuff, right?
Well....
Not exactly. See, the fact is, when I list things like that, what I'm really doing is lifting myself up. In comparing me to the world, I'm making me look great in my eyes. I'm basically putting on my Pharisee hat and tithing out of my spice rack. Lord, pull me out of this pride and religion!
The purpose of scripture is not to build us up. Scripture should instruct us, yes, but we should hear and apply that instruction to our lives to the glory of God. Not to the glory of self. In asking "how am I different from the world?" I am focusing on entirely the wrong place!
It's not about homeschooling, housework, drinking, smoking, or any other thing that we can do or not do to be "not of the world". Christ died for us. So we are not under the law; in Christ all things are lawful (but of course, not all are beneficial), so we have no business looking down on brothers and sisters for the things they do if they are following Christ when they do them (of course, I could go into a whole discussion about accountability, church discipline, and being holy as God is holy here, and those are completely valid points. But kind of off topic here, so I'll try to move on for now and come back to that another day). At any rate, being legalistic about what a Christian can or can't do is not helpful for anyone. It might make me feel good, it might make someone rethink their actions, but who is receiving the glory there? Definitely not the One who deserves it! Also, it's really likely that that little quest for self-glory will completely backfire, destroy the relationship (or the potential for one), and bring glory to no one. Especially not the One who deserves it.
Additionally, we can't go around expecting non-believers to look or act like believers - we used to be like them and, outside of grace, we would still be right there. So we can't really look down on them either. In both cases, it's got to be about love and grace, not legalism and judgment.
There is one person that we can and should judge though: ourselves. However, the world can't be our standard here. When we think of being "not of the world," we need to think about who we do belong to. We can't compare ourselves to something we're not a part of - a good lesson for Christians and middle school girls alike - we have to compare ourselves to the One who gave us this new life that we are a part of!
So.... I'm a homeschooling, Titus 2 believing woman who tries to live by faith. Jesus is God, my savior, my creator, love personified, abounding in grace. Am I righteous? Am I awesome? Absolutely not. Abso-freaking-lutely. Not.
We are not of the world, true. But it's not because of anything we've done to make ourselves holy and righteous. In the eyes of a Holy God, we can't be holy and righteous on our own! The reason we're not of this world is because our own perfect Superman swooped in, pulled us out of the pits of Hell, and gave us a new heart, a new nature, a new name and a new home. He did the work. He's the one we look up to. He's the Father we aspire to be like in every way.
I guess my whole point here is that I do want my life to look like that, like someone living in the world yet not of it. But the only way I can do that is by following Jesus and, comparing myself to Him only, doing all I can to show the world what kind of awesome work He can do!
He has been infinitely graceful to me when I fall short of His standards (which is usually). So I need to show everyone around me that same grace when they fall short. He loves me when I act completely unlovable. He takes care of me even when it's my own damn fault that I need help in the first place. Following His example is the only way to live both in and apart from the world.
To quote Pastor Mark, "It's all about Jesus; it's always about Jesus; it's only about Jesus!" As a Christian, that is my standard of living. Will I ever live up to that? Well... not in this life. But I'll certainly never get any closer if I'm taking measurements with the wrong ruler!
I knew I belonged to the public and to the world, not because I was talented or even beautiful, but because I had never belonged to anything or anyone else. ~Marilyn Monroe
But the more I thought about it, the more the whole thing left a bad taste in my mouth. It's true that scripture predicts that we will be different from the world and unloved by it. I will certainly not dispute that in any way! But I feel like thinking about it in this light brings up a much darker heart problem for me: pride.
When first asked "how are you different from the world?" I immediately thought of some things: I'm a homeschool mom training up my children, I'm a stay at home mom, Titus 2 wife, I'm being fruitful and multiplying to the glory of God... All pretty awesome, unworldly stuff, right?
Well....
Not exactly. See, the fact is, when I list things like that, what I'm really doing is lifting myself up. In comparing me to the world, I'm making me look great in my eyes. I'm basically putting on my Pharisee hat and tithing out of my spice rack. Lord, pull me out of this pride and religion!
The purpose of scripture is not to build us up. Scripture should instruct us, yes, but we should hear and apply that instruction to our lives to the glory of God. Not to the glory of self. In asking "how am I different from the world?" I am focusing on entirely the wrong place!
It's not about homeschooling, housework, drinking, smoking, or any other thing that we can do or not do to be "not of the world". Christ died for us. So we are not under the law; in Christ all things are lawful (but of course, not all are beneficial), so we have no business looking down on brothers and sisters for the things they do if they are following Christ when they do them (of course, I could go into a whole discussion about accountability, church discipline, and being holy as God is holy here, and those are completely valid points. But kind of off topic here, so I'll try to move on for now and come back to that another day). At any rate, being legalistic about what a Christian can or can't do is not helpful for anyone. It might make me feel good, it might make someone rethink their actions, but who is receiving the glory there? Definitely not the One who deserves it! Also, it's really likely that that little quest for self-glory will completely backfire, destroy the relationship (or the potential for one), and bring glory to no one. Especially not the One who deserves it.
Additionally, we can't go around expecting non-believers to look or act like believers - we used to be like them and, outside of grace, we would still be right there. So we can't really look down on them either. In both cases, it's got to be about love and grace, not legalism and judgment.
There is one person that we can and should judge though: ourselves. However, the world can't be our standard here. When we think of being "not of the world," we need to think about who we do belong to. We can't compare ourselves to something we're not a part of - a good lesson for Christians and middle school girls alike - we have to compare ourselves to the One who gave us this new life that we are a part of!
So.... I'm a homeschooling, Titus 2 believing woman who tries to live by faith. Jesus is God, my savior, my creator, love personified, abounding in grace. Am I righteous? Am I awesome? Absolutely not. Abso-freaking-lutely. Not.
We are not of the world, true. But it's not because of anything we've done to make ourselves holy and righteous. In the eyes of a Holy God, we can't be holy and righteous on our own! The reason we're not of this world is because our own perfect Superman swooped in, pulled us out of the pits of Hell, and gave us a new heart, a new nature, a new name and a new home. He did the work. He's the one we look up to. He's the Father we aspire to be like in every way.
I guess my whole point here is that I do want my life to look like that, like someone living in the world yet not of it. But the only way I can do that is by following Jesus and, comparing myself to Him only, doing all I can to show the world what kind of awesome work He can do!
He has been infinitely graceful to me when I fall short of His standards (which is usually). So I need to show everyone around me that same grace when they fall short. He loves me when I act completely unlovable. He takes care of me even when it's my own damn fault that I need help in the first place. Following His example is the only way to live both in and apart from the world.
To quote Pastor Mark, "It's all about Jesus; it's always about Jesus; it's only about Jesus!" As a Christian, that is my standard of living. Will I ever live up to that? Well... not in this life. But I'll certainly never get any closer if I'm taking measurements with the wrong ruler!
I knew I belonged to the public and to the world, not because I was talented or even beautiful, but because I had never belonged to anything or anyone else. ~Marilyn Monroe
Tuesday, September 27, 2011
In which I am a poor and defensive momma bear
Recently I was told by a well-meaning loved one that if "someone" (meaning me) couldn't afford to have children, they (meaning me) need to stop having them. I took this kind of hard because, among other reasons, I am already quite obviously expecting another child (which is apparently being viewed as a sheer burden and mistake by this loved one) and because I personally would love to have at least one more in the future. I love my children and take good care of them. I consider them blessings. And I take seriously God's command to be fruitful. To be honest, I really felt that this person was out of line! When my husband and I, taking guidance from God, decide that "enough is enough," we will certainly not be having any more children. Until then, we're happy to welcome all the miracles that He blesses us with.
The thing is, there are a lot - and I mean a lot - of reasons, biblically speaking, to have children. But I have not been able to find any reasons not to. Sure, the world can come up with plenty of reasons... but we, as Christians, are not to conform to the world. So what's the deal? Why are well-meaning, Godly people encouraging us to make our decisions for worldly reasons?
First off, I can only imagine that this was spoken to me out of love. Misguided, yes. But loving, nonetheless. It is difficult to watch those whom you love struggle. And we sure do struggle! I was told once by a very dear friend that God has given my family the "gift of poverty." That really stuck in my mind because it's a very weird and profound thing to say. But the more I've thought about it, the more truth I see in it. Would life be easier if we had more money? Yes, of course it would! But there are a lot of blessing that come out of being poor (and obviously since I'm on the internet, I mean "poor" by American standards only).
(Here, I started to make a list of reasons that I feel blessed in our poverty, but it kind of took over the entire blog. Apparently that is one to write sometime, but in the interest of staying on topic, let it suffice to say that the way we live has many positive aspects.)
And if we had money, I'm sure that we would be able to see blessings that we can't see in our current situation. Jesus enables us to have abundant life no matter what our circumstances, and I'm so thankful for that. The way we live is not to be scorned or pitied. We are happy, we are blessed, and we love the Lord. What could be more important than that??
I would never, ever base the size of our family on our finances. "If it's God's will, it's God's bill" and He always takes care of His bills. Why should I reject a blessing because I don't think it will work? Who am I? God is in the business of accomplishing the impossible and I have full faith that He will continue to do the impossible in our budget and in our lives. Money will come and go, and that's fine, but our children will always be blessings from the Lord.
So basically, as I see it, the primary reason for a Christian person to advise a Christian family to stop having children and raising up more Christians to fill the earth simply because of their finances, is fear. The reason is fear! Even if love or concern seems to be a motivator on the surface, fear is the bottom line. Fear of taking a step out in faith - or of watching us do so! But fear is not of God. If we're afraid, it means we don't trust Him, and that's definitely not cool. And honestly, our step of faith is really nothing to fear, because it is practically nothing at all compared to so many, many others. To paraphrase Francis Chan, think about our story in light of the book of Acts: thousands were converted, the Gospel was being boldly preached to the nations, people were performing miracles in Jesus' name, men were martyred for their faith, and the Comer's had a baby that just wasn't in their single-income budget...
Really?? This act of faith and obedience is just nothing. I do hope and pray that our lives can be a good witness and example for others in our situation. And I pray that our lives glorify God, whatever else we may do. But please don't act like what we're doing is crazy or extreme. And please don't think that my life is some haphazard series of financially stupid mistakes. God sees the biggest picture and He is in control. He doesn't make mistakes. And He will always take care of my husband and I and however many children He chooses to bless us with.
"As for me and my house, we will serve the Lord" ~Joshua 24:15
The thing is, there are a lot - and I mean a lot - of reasons, biblically speaking, to have children. But I have not been able to find any reasons not to. Sure, the world can come up with plenty of reasons... but we, as Christians, are not to conform to the world. So what's the deal? Why are well-meaning, Godly people encouraging us to make our decisions for worldly reasons?
First off, I can only imagine that this was spoken to me out of love. Misguided, yes. But loving, nonetheless. It is difficult to watch those whom you love struggle. And we sure do struggle! I was told once by a very dear friend that God has given my family the "gift of poverty." That really stuck in my mind because it's a very weird and profound thing to say. But the more I've thought about it, the more truth I see in it. Would life be easier if we had more money? Yes, of course it would! But there are a lot of blessing that come out of being poor (and obviously since I'm on the internet, I mean "poor" by American standards only).
(Here, I started to make a list of reasons that I feel blessed in our poverty, but it kind of took over the entire blog. Apparently that is one to write sometime, but in the interest of staying on topic, let it suffice to say that the way we live has many positive aspects.)
And if we had money, I'm sure that we would be able to see blessings that we can't see in our current situation. Jesus enables us to have abundant life no matter what our circumstances, and I'm so thankful for that. The way we live is not to be scorned or pitied. We are happy, we are blessed, and we love the Lord. What could be more important than that??
I would never, ever base the size of our family on our finances. "If it's God's will, it's God's bill" and He always takes care of His bills. Why should I reject a blessing because I don't think it will work? Who am I? God is in the business of accomplishing the impossible and I have full faith that He will continue to do the impossible in our budget and in our lives. Money will come and go, and that's fine, but our children will always be blessings from the Lord.
So basically, as I see it, the primary reason for a Christian person to advise a Christian family to stop having children and raising up more Christians to fill the earth simply because of their finances, is fear. The reason is fear! Even if love or concern seems to be a motivator on the surface, fear is the bottom line. Fear of taking a step out in faith - or of watching us do so! But fear is not of God. If we're afraid, it means we don't trust Him, and that's definitely not cool. And honestly, our step of faith is really nothing to fear, because it is practically nothing at all compared to so many, many others. To paraphrase Francis Chan, think about our story in light of the book of Acts: thousands were converted, the Gospel was being boldly preached to the nations, people were performing miracles in Jesus' name, men were martyred for their faith, and the Comer's had a baby that just wasn't in their single-income budget...
Really?? This act of faith and obedience is just nothing. I do hope and pray that our lives can be a good witness and example for others in our situation. And I pray that our lives glorify God, whatever else we may do. But please don't act like what we're doing is crazy or extreme. And please don't think that my life is some haphazard series of financially stupid mistakes. God sees the biggest picture and He is in control. He doesn't make mistakes. And He will always take care of my husband and I and however many children He chooses to bless us with.
"As for me and my house, we will serve the Lord" ~Joshua 24:15
Thursday, September 22, 2011
In which I am granted my heart's desire
I started a little personal Bible study last week that I found on a Titus 2 woman website. The theme of the whole thing is "Makeover of the Heart," which I found to be a rather helpful topic as it relates to My One Word. So I read through the first lesson, checked out the scriptures referenced, and, being me, I got completely hung up on the first question. So for the past week or so, I have been pondering the answer, and, although they only allowed about three lines in which to write my answer, I'm going to go ahead and fill a blog with it.
The scripture referenced in this particular question is Psalm 37:4 and the question is "What are the desires of your heart?" I guess I first had to define what that even means. I mean, there are a lot of things I desire... a cast iron dutch oven, a good kitchen timer, a few extra hours in my day... those would all be nice. I can even throw a Godly answer in there! My Bible is in tatters (particularly the New Testament half) and I'd love to have a new one. But... I don't think those things exactly qualify as my heart's desire, do they?
No... this is something deeper. Significantly deeper. I had to dig right to my heart to figure this one out. And that's honestly not the easiest thing to do! My mind is constantly going. I think about mundane things like my weekly to-do list. I think about scriptures I've read, sermons I've heard, people I know, blogs I want to write. I think about bizarre things like if I don't make it to the hospital in time, do I deliver the placenta myself too, or just let the baby sort of dangle there until I get to the hospital (which is especially ridiculous if you know where I live in relation to the hospital). At any rate, my mind is always working, but it's very rarely working on anything especially deep. So this was something of a challenge.
But after lots of prayer and heart-searching (the study said to "take a few minutes" for this. I think by "minutes" they meant "days", or perhaps "weeks") I think I have been able to figure this thing out to a certain degree.
The first thing that came to mind when talking about matters of the heart was my children. I'm a stay-at-home mother of (almost) three, a homeschool mom, I recently became a Cub Scout mom, I'm a cloth diapering and breastfeeding mom, and... you get the idea. Motherhood is one of the primary ways I identify myself. So I started out thinking "What is my hearts desire for my children?"
I devote a lot of time and energy to those little people. I want them to be self-sufficient, clean, well-read, and well-educated. I want them to be able to think for themselves and to feel free to ask questions. And I spend a lot of time teaching them these things (particularly Logan... have you ever tried to teach a 36 week old fetus anything?) But when it comes right down to the heart of it, I would rather them be illiterate, living in my basement forever and needing me to do their laundry for life than I would for them to not know and love Jesus.
I know that's kind of a cliche churchy answer, sort of like saying "we just want a healthy baby" when an expectant parent is asked if they're hoping for a boy or girl, but to be honest, sometimes there is a reason for the cliche... it's true!!! Do I want my children to have successful and happy lives? Of course. But even more than that, I want them to feel the joy and freedom that I feel and I want them to feel those things with Jesus for eternity!
The second thing that I thought of was my marriage. Just running through the stereotypical housewife's checklist here, I guess. I am a wife, and that's another of the ways that I identify myself. Simply put, my heart's desire here is that my husband will delight in me, and I in him, until death parts us. I desire that we will love and serve each other just like we vowed to do and that we will never break our marriage covenant. Sure, I'd like us to have lots of money, a bigger house, a maid... but honestly, I signed on for "richer or poorer" and I'm perfectly content with "poorer" if it means I have my Godly man leading me and loving me for life. I desire that we would work through everything that should come our way and have the kind of marriage that God wants us to have.
Finally, I've found that the only other thing that is really and truly there in my heart of hearts is Jesus. And I mention Him last, not because He is least, but because He's the beginning and the end, and this is kind of where my heart-searching journey stopped. My desire, in Christ, is to be a Godly woman. Period. So... what exactly does that mean??
Well... The bible has quite a lot to say about women (despite common misconceptions). One of the first places that a woman seeking to be Godly is generally directed is to Proverbs 31. Let me unpack that one a little to begin with. Firstly, P31 is of noble character, her husband has full confidence in her and lacks nothing of value. I have to mention that I definitely think of P31 as quite the wealthy broad, but that is not really what defines her and it's not what the scripture is referring to when it says that her husband lacks nothing. That is referring back to her noble character. A description of said character follows. Basically, she is a hard worker and isn't idle (ie she doesn't Facebook and watch TV all day). She is charitable. She manages her household well (she has a shiny sink!). She is wise and gives sound instruction. And she loves God. Because of these things her children and husband adore her and sing her praises. Big shoes to fill, no?
Ruth is another woman to look to in the Bible. She was devoted, a hard worker, a good wife and a good daughter. She's described as someone having noble character, so I would say that she completely exemplified what is described in Proverbs 31. And she's kind of my sort of woman, because she was not monetarily wealthy, but she was wealthy in spirit and character, which is far more important.
I'm actually going to stop after giving one more example, not because there aren't anymore, but because if I don't stop somewhere, I'll never stop! And you didn't think I was really going to go through this whole thing without mentioning my favorite verses did you? Here is talks about older and younger women as having separate, but connected, duties. Older women should live reverently, not gossip or drink too much, and teach younger women about the good life. The younger women should follow those teachings and love their husbands and children, be self-controlled and pure, be busy at home, kind, and subject to their husbands.
Those are three examples, but there are actually a lot of these scriptures (Proverbs is chock-full of them, and Paul has a good bit to say about women too), but they all say sort of the same things, really. 1)Women are important members of the household. 2) Women are to love God. 3) They are to work hard managing their homes, taking care of and loving their children, and loving and serving their husbands (and just FYI, I could go on a whole Song of Songs tangent about loving and serving one's husband, but I won't do it.... right now...)
So... did you notice what I noticed? In case you didn't, and because it's my blog, I'll tell you. If I am doing what I'm supposed to do as a godly woman, the wife and mother stuff is kind of taken care of. All my roles in life are really wrapped up completely in one man - Jesus - and if I'm following Him, the rest sort of takes care of itself. So... basically I just spent a week (or more) pondering this verse to come to the conclusion that it's actually self-fulfilling.
Delight in the Lord and He will give you the desires of your heart... I'm finding that when I delight in the Lord, my heart's desires kind of line up with His. And when I follow His will for my life, those things naturally will come to fruition. Funny how that works, huh?
And I just have to throw out there that the fact that it all fits neatly into a pretty package does not mean it's easy. There are days when it's really hard to delight in the Lord because life gets in the way. There are days when I simply don't want to do what I'm called to. And there are bound to be struggles when it seems like His promises aren't coming true. Being a human in a fallen world pretty much guarantees that. But His plans are perfect and He sees a bigger picture than anyone on earth can see. All I can do is pursue my truest heart's desire, my Jesus, with all that I've got and trust in His grace and mercy to cover my many weaknesses.
Of course, that might still mean I'm waiting a long time on that dutch oven and new Bible that I'm wanting, but since I have Him, my heart's truest desire, I think I can handle the wait.
If you greatly desire something, have the guts to stake everything on obtaining it. ~Brendan Francis
The scripture referenced in this particular question is Psalm 37:4 and the question is "What are the desires of your heart?" I guess I first had to define what that even means. I mean, there are a lot of things I desire... a cast iron dutch oven, a good kitchen timer, a few extra hours in my day... those would all be nice. I can even throw a Godly answer in there! My Bible is in tatters (particularly the New Testament half) and I'd love to have a new one. But... I don't think those things exactly qualify as my heart's desire, do they?
No... this is something deeper. Significantly deeper. I had to dig right to my heart to figure this one out. And that's honestly not the easiest thing to do! My mind is constantly going. I think about mundane things like my weekly to-do list. I think about scriptures I've read, sermons I've heard, people I know, blogs I want to write. I think about bizarre things like if I don't make it to the hospital in time, do I deliver the placenta myself too, or just let the baby sort of dangle there until I get to the hospital (which is especially ridiculous if you know where I live in relation to the hospital). At any rate, my mind is always working, but it's very rarely working on anything especially deep. So this was something of a challenge.
But after lots of prayer and heart-searching (the study said to "take a few minutes" for this. I think by "minutes" they meant "days", or perhaps "weeks") I think I have been able to figure this thing out to a certain degree.
The first thing that came to mind when talking about matters of the heart was my children. I'm a stay-at-home mother of (almost) three, a homeschool mom, I recently became a Cub Scout mom, I'm a cloth diapering and breastfeeding mom, and... you get the idea. Motherhood is one of the primary ways I identify myself. So I started out thinking "What is my hearts desire for my children?"
I devote a lot of time and energy to those little people. I want them to be self-sufficient, clean, well-read, and well-educated. I want them to be able to think for themselves and to feel free to ask questions. And I spend a lot of time teaching them these things (particularly Logan... have you ever tried to teach a 36 week old fetus anything?) But when it comes right down to the heart of it, I would rather them be illiterate, living in my basement forever and needing me to do their laundry for life than I would for them to not know and love Jesus.
I know that's kind of a cliche churchy answer, sort of like saying "we just want a healthy baby" when an expectant parent is asked if they're hoping for a boy or girl, but to be honest, sometimes there is a reason for the cliche... it's true!!! Do I want my children to have successful and happy lives? Of course. But even more than that, I want them to feel the joy and freedom that I feel and I want them to feel those things with Jesus for eternity!
The second thing that I thought of was my marriage. Just running through the stereotypical housewife's checklist here, I guess. I am a wife, and that's another of the ways that I identify myself. Simply put, my heart's desire here is that my husband will delight in me, and I in him, until death parts us. I desire that we will love and serve each other just like we vowed to do and that we will never break our marriage covenant. Sure, I'd like us to have lots of money, a bigger house, a maid... but honestly, I signed on for "richer or poorer" and I'm perfectly content with "poorer" if it means I have my Godly man leading me and loving me for life. I desire that we would work through everything that should come our way and have the kind of marriage that God wants us to have.
Finally, I've found that the only other thing that is really and truly there in my heart of hearts is Jesus. And I mention Him last, not because He is least, but because He's the beginning and the end, and this is kind of where my heart-searching journey stopped. My desire, in Christ, is to be a Godly woman. Period. So... what exactly does that mean??
Well... The bible has quite a lot to say about women (despite common misconceptions). One of the first places that a woman seeking to be Godly is generally directed is to Proverbs 31. Let me unpack that one a little to begin with. Firstly, P31 is of noble character, her husband has full confidence in her and lacks nothing of value. I have to mention that I definitely think of P31 as quite the wealthy broad, but that is not really what defines her and it's not what the scripture is referring to when it says that her husband lacks nothing. That is referring back to her noble character. A description of said character follows. Basically, she is a hard worker and isn't idle (ie she doesn't Facebook and watch TV all day). She is charitable. She manages her household well (she has a shiny sink!). She is wise and gives sound instruction. And she loves God. Because of these things her children and husband adore her and sing her praises. Big shoes to fill, no?
Ruth is another woman to look to in the Bible. She was devoted, a hard worker, a good wife and a good daughter. She's described as someone having noble character, so I would say that she completely exemplified what is described in Proverbs 31. And she's kind of my sort of woman, because she was not monetarily wealthy, but she was wealthy in spirit and character, which is far more important.
I'm actually going to stop after giving one more example, not because there aren't anymore, but because if I don't stop somewhere, I'll never stop! And you didn't think I was really going to go through this whole thing without mentioning my favorite verses did you? Here is talks about older and younger women as having separate, but connected, duties. Older women should live reverently, not gossip or drink too much, and teach younger women about the good life. The younger women should follow those teachings and love their husbands and children, be self-controlled and pure, be busy at home, kind, and subject to their husbands.
Those are three examples, but there are actually a lot of these scriptures (Proverbs is chock-full of them, and Paul has a good bit to say about women too), but they all say sort of the same things, really. 1)Women are important members of the household. 2) Women are to love God. 3) They are to work hard managing their homes, taking care of and loving their children, and loving and serving their husbands (and just FYI, I could go on a whole Song of Songs tangent about loving and serving one's husband, but I won't do it.... right now...)
So... did you notice what I noticed? In case you didn't, and because it's my blog, I'll tell you. If I am doing what I'm supposed to do as a godly woman, the wife and mother stuff is kind of taken care of. All my roles in life are really wrapped up completely in one man - Jesus - and if I'm following Him, the rest sort of takes care of itself. So... basically I just spent a week (or more) pondering this verse to come to the conclusion that it's actually self-fulfilling.
Delight in the Lord and He will give you the desires of your heart... I'm finding that when I delight in the Lord, my heart's desires kind of line up with His. And when I follow His will for my life, those things naturally will come to fruition. Funny how that works, huh?
And I just have to throw out there that the fact that it all fits neatly into a pretty package does not mean it's easy. There are days when it's really hard to delight in the Lord because life gets in the way. There are days when I simply don't want to do what I'm called to. And there are bound to be struggles when it seems like His promises aren't coming true. Being a human in a fallen world pretty much guarantees that. But His plans are perfect and He sees a bigger picture than anyone on earth can see. All I can do is pursue my truest heart's desire, my Jesus, with all that I've got and trust in His grace and mercy to cover my many weaknesses.
Of course, that might still mean I'm waiting a long time on that dutch oven and new Bible that I'm wanting, but since I have Him, my heart's truest desire, I think I can handle the wait.
If you greatly desire something, have the guts to stake everything on obtaining it. ~Brendan Francis
Tuesday, September 6, 2011
In which I speak softly and drop the stick
Okay, so perhaps I haven't dropped the stick yet. But I'm working on it.
This past week, while scouring the interwebs for all manner of knowledge, I came across a site called At the Well, which is a site ministering to Titus 2 women. Right up my alley!! I was really happy to find this site, as I feel like most women's ministries I come across (usually ministering to Proverbs 31 women) just don't have the same New Testament flavor that Titus 2 projects. That probably makes very little sense to anyone other than me, but just roll with it, please. It really doesn't have to make sense for me to act on it. :-) So anyhoo, I found that At the Well does weekly challenges. They post new challenges each Monday. Since I just found the site on Thursday, I looked at the challenge, made a half-hearted (at best) stab at it and determined that I would actually start the challenges this week.
So this morning, after Eric headed off to work, I did my scripture reading for the day, which started off with the Israelite people grumbling in the desert for 5 chapters. And that seems so cut and dry, doesn't it? Because we all know the story oh-so-well, of how God delivered them and they kept complaining. So God fed them, and they kept complaining. And God gave them fresh water, and they kept complaining. So God paid them more attention, and they kept complaining. And then they built an idol. And I know for me, I read it and think about what idiots they were and why didn't they appreciate the wonderfully close relationship they had with God? And then I realize... oh. Same reason I do all the exact same stuff, I guess.
Then my readings concluded with a little talk about love.
Let me back up a little and mention that I have really been struggling with the fruits of the spirit lately. I feel like I don't exude those fruits the way a Christian woman ought to and I have been praying about it a lot. I don't like being the mom who yells at her kids instead of rebuking them in love when they need it. I don't like being the woman who complains about the housework instead of doing it to bless my family and glorify God. I don't like being the woman who sits around being lazy half the day instead of getting up and using my God-given talents and abilities. But that, my friends, is the woman I've become. Not fruitful, not loving, not even particularly Christian in attitude and deed. So I've been praying hard about it. I'm a lot like an Ent in that way and couldn't just hastily decide to do better. I had to think it through, pray about it, figure out why I had slid backward into chaos, and then, perhaps, make a change. But let it be known that prayer and thought without action, in a case like this, is not terribly fruitful. So being unfruitful, certainly did not help my unfruitfulness in any way.
Lo and behold, when I read my Bible this morning and then read through the little devotion that went along with the love verse I read, I was a bundle of conviction! I have not been loving at all! The devotion offered up a challenge to not only feel love for those around us (it actually was directed at married couples, but certainly the advice can be applied to all around me, not just my spouse), but to act loving toward them. According to dc Talk, love is a verb, so just feeling it is not enough. So I was challenged to find ways to exemplify God's love to my family. That's not terribly easy, to be honest, but it is a definite answer to prayer and I am up for the challenge. I started to feel God pushing me toward action, and that is definitely not a bad thing.
Then it occurred to me that the new At the Well challenge should be posted today, so I headed over there to check it out. And what should I see there but that my challenge for the week is to speak softly and use my words wisely. I am challenged to not stir up anger in those around me, which I tend to particularly do to my little Logan, who is so much like me that we drive each other insane most days. Speaking softly when I am annoyed is going to be a very. difficult. challenge. But again, I am up for it! I need to do this!!
So after all of my prayers with no action behind them, God clearly decided to push me into it. What I've been asking for is something He had already equipped me with and my asking for it was just redundant and sinful at best. Why should I continually be pleading to God for something that He's already given me? Well, the answer is pretty clear... so that I don't have to do the right thing. I'm justifying my decidedly un-Christ-like actions and attitudes by simply saying "I'm praying about it" and letting it go. That is NOT what God has called me to! Without fruit, without action, what am I? Why would I imagine that I can get by without following Him?
Today is the day that all that stops (again). I've started fresh may times before, and I'll probably have to do it many more times. The positive thing is that God is always there forgiving me, helping me, guiding me, forgiving me... He wants me to succeed and when I'm getting close to rock bottom, He gives me a little push in the right direction. Sometimes those pushes aren't so gentle either, but I am always grateful for them. And the coolest part is that the next time I hit rock bottom, I'll find (as I have done in my many previous rock bottom moments) that rock bottom is just a little higher than it was the last time I hit it. It's a little easier to be pulled out (because I sure as heck can't climb out myself). So despite the fact that I feel like the miserable failure that I am, I can still see that God is working on me. And that knowledge is really all I need to move forward.
"Restore to me the joy of your salvation and grant me a willing spirit, to sustain me." ~Psalm 51:12
This past week, while scouring the interwebs for all manner of knowledge, I came across a site called At the Well, which is a site ministering to Titus 2 women. Right up my alley!! I was really happy to find this site, as I feel like most women's ministries I come across (usually ministering to Proverbs 31 women) just don't have the same New Testament flavor that Titus 2 projects. That probably makes very little sense to anyone other than me, but just roll with it, please. It really doesn't have to make sense for me to act on it. :-) So anyhoo, I found that At the Well does weekly challenges. They post new challenges each Monday. Since I just found the site on Thursday, I looked at the challenge, made a half-hearted (at best) stab at it and determined that I would actually start the challenges this week.
So this morning, after Eric headed off to work, I did my scripture reading for the day, which started off with the Israelite people grumbling in the desert for 5 chapters. And that seems so cut and dry, doesn't it? Because we all know the story oh-so-well, of how God delivered them and they kept complaining. So God fed them, and they kept complaining. And God gave them fresh water, and they kept complaining. So God paid them more attention, and they kept complaining. And then they built an idol. And I know for me, I read it and think about what idiots they were and why didn't they appreciate the wonderfully close relationship they had with God? And then I realize... oh. Same reason I do all the exact same stuff, I guess.
Then my readings concluded with a little talk about love.
Let me back up a little and mention that I have really been struggling with the fruits of the spirit lately. I feel like I don't exude those fruits the way a Christian woman ought to and I have been praying about it a lot. I don't like being the mom who yells at her kids instead of rebuking them in love when they need it. I don't like being the woman who complains about the housework instead of doing it to bless my family and glorify God. I don't like being the woman who sits around being lazy half the day instead of getting up and using my God-given talents and abilities. But that, my friends, is the woman I've become. Not fruitful, not loving, not even particularly Christian in attitude and deed. So I've been praying hard about it. I'm a lot like an Ent in that way and couldn't just hastily decide to do better. I had to think it through, pray about it, figure out why I had slid backward into chaos, and then, perhaps, make a change. But let it be known that prayer and thought without action, in a case like this, is not terribly fruitful. So being unfruitful, certainly did not help my unfruitfulness in any way.
Lo and behold, when I read my Bible this morning and then read through the little devotion that went along with the love verse I read, I was a bundle of conviction! I have not been loving at all! The devotion offered up a challenge to not only feel love for those around us (it actually was directed at married couples, but certainly the advice can be applied to all around me, not just my spouse), but to act loving toward them. According to dc Talk, love is a verb, so just feeling it is not enough. So I was challenged to find ways to exemplify God's love to my family. That's not terribly easy, to be honest, but it is a definite answer to prayer and I am up for the challenge. I started to feel God pushing me toward action, and that is definitely not a bad thing.
Then it occurred to me that the new At the Well challenge should be posted today, so I headed over there to check it out. And what should I see there but that my challenge for the week is to speak softly and use my words wisely. I am challenged to not stir up anger in those around me, which I tend to particularly do to my little Logan, who is so much like me that we drive each other insane most days. Speaking softly when I am annoyed is going to be a very. difficult. challenge. But again, I am up for it! I need to do this!!
So after all of my prayers with no action behind them, God clearly decided to push me into it. What I've been asking for is something He had already equipped me with and my asking for it was just redundant and sinful at best. Why should I continually be pleading to God for something that He's already given me? Well, the answer is pretty clear... so that I don't have to do the right thing. I'm justifying my decidedly un-Christ-like actions and attitudes by simply saying "I'm praying about it" and letting it go. That is NOT what God has called me to! Without fruit, without action, what am I? Why would I imagine that I can get by without following Him?
Today is the day that all that stops (again). I've started fresh may times before, and I'll probably have to do it many more times. The positive thing is that God is always there forgiving me, helping me, guiding me, forgiving me... He wants me to succeed and when I'm getting close to rock bottom, He gives me a little push in the right direction. Sometimes those pushes aren't so gentle either, but I am always grateful for them. And the coolest part is that the next time I hit rock bottom, I'll find (as I have done in my many previous rock bottom moments) that rock bottom is just a little higher than it was the last time I hit it. It's a little easier to be pulled out (because I sure as heck can't climb out myself). So despite the fact that I feel like the miserable failure that I am, I can still see that God is working on me. And that knowledge is really all I need to move forward.
"Restore to me the joy of your salvation and grant me a willing spirit, to sustain me." ~Psalm 51:12
Thursday, July 21, 2011
In which I pick up my pen again
Periodically, I write these "I Am" statement poems. I wrote my first one in 9th grade, and I loved it so much that I periodically re-evaluate myself and where I'm at and write a new one. Today I read this blog and I thought it was so incredibly moving and beautiful, it just inspired me to re-evaluate again. The format on this one is slightly different than all the ones in the past (although it's possible that that's only noticeable to me), and it's not exactly a replacement for the most recent one, but it's along the same lines. Anyway, it's short and sweet and I thought I'd post it here, because, really, what else would I do with it?
I am reader of bedtime stories, Bible school chauffeur, feeder of pets, vanquisher of bees. I am gardener, maid, tender of wounds, gourmet peanut butter and jelly chef. I am teacher of reading & writing & arithmetic, speaker of Grandma's passed down wisdom. I am dealer of bottom spankings and "don't bite your brother"s and "go out and get some fresh air"s. I am not trying to climate control the out-doors, so please close the door behind you. I am clipper of coupons, hunter of bargains, expert in dinner for under $3. I am enforcer of "eat what's in front of you or go hungry" and "no, you can't watch more t.v." I am a home for my unborn, nourishment for my just born, and provider of love for them always. I have my hands full of the most wonderful things and my heart overflowing with God's highest calling. I answer to "mom" no matter who says it and I am thankful for the blessing of that name.
I am reader of bedtime stories, Bible school chauffeur, feeder of pets, vanquisher of bees. I am gardener, maid, tender of wounds, gourmet peanut butter and jelly chef. I am teacher of reading & writing & arithmetic, speaker of Grandma's passed down wisdom. I am dealer of bottom spankings and "don't bite your brother"s and "go out and get some fresh air"s. I am not trying to climate control the out-doors, so please close the door behind you. I am clipper of coupons, hunter of bargains, expert in dinner for under $3. I am enforcer of "eat what's in front of you or go hungry" and "no, you can't watch more t.v." I am a home for my unborn, nourishment for my just born, and provider of love for them always. I have my hands full of the most wonderful things and my heart overflowing with God's highest calling. I answer to "mom" no matter who says it and I am thankful for the blessing of that name.
Thursday, June 30, 2011
In which I crave community
So, I have been doing this "homeward" thing for about 7 months now. And believe me, it has taken me every bit of that time to get even remotely on track here. Despite what anyone may think, being a housewife and a stay at home mom is really difficult. It's difficult to devote all your energy to your house and family, when what you really want is to drive somewhere for 5 minutes without listening to your kids argue in the back seat. It's difficult to stay on task when there are so many things, both good and bad, pulling you in so many different directions. And lately, I've found that it is especially difficult to do all this on your own.
No, I'm not saying my husband doesn't help me. He helps immensely just by providing for us. Not only that, but he's wonderful with the kids, even when he's tired after working all day. I landed a good one, and for that I am eternally grateful. And I'm not even saying my kids don't help. They try to keep their rooms clean, and try to help me pick up when I ask them too. Even Maggie is able to throw trash in the trash can, or take her toys to her room.
What I'm lamenting here is the lack of community. In my scripture, Titus 2:3-5, it talks about being homeward in orientation, and that's what I've been working toward. But it also talks about women helping one another to stay on task, encouraging and setting examples for one another. This is something our society sorely lacks. And the worst part about it, is that I think it causes us to get even further off task. We all crave community. We are designed by God to be in community with one another. And this break-down of real, physical community has caused us to search for it elsewhere. The closest thing I have found to community with other women, is with people who live hundreds, if not thousands, of miles away from me. I love those women and what we have going on our online message board is not a bad thing by any means. But it's not really real, if you know what I mean.
At the beginning of June, Logan and I went to pick strawberries. (Which inspired me to write a short story also. But more on that in a later blog.) It was such an awesome Titus 2 experience. My grandmother kept Maggie while Logan and I picked strawberries for us and for my grandmother. When we were done, we all went shopping together to get everything we'd need to make our jam, and she taught me how to do it. It was just a little taste of that biblical unity, and it was so refreshing. We worked together to get a job done. The older woman caring for the baby while the younger woman and older child did the "labor" part of the work. She then trained me in how to accomplish something that I'd never done, but that she's been doing for decades. It worked beautifully and I think we both felt a little God breeze from the way we worked together that day; at least, I know I did.
That is in stark contrast to the way I've been feeling this week. Peas are the current crop of the week. I still haven't perfected that magical touch that tells you exactly when to pick peas, so many of mine are huge and bitter from hanging on the vine too long. That magical touch could probably be taught, but I don't have someone to teach it to me. It's been 3 years of trial and error. (The first year, we picked too early. Last year, we waited so long that most of the peas rotted on the vine. This year, we picked a little too late. Le sigh...) So all the peas finally got picked yesterday. The majority of my day today was spent shelling them, so that they can be canned this weekend. Just in case you don't know, shelling peas is a very dull job with a very small pay-out. It cramps your hands and your bowl of empty shells gets full WAY faster than your bowl of little, green peas does. So, as I was sitting, by myself, shelling peas, it occurred to me that this is not a job God intended for us to do alone. I daydreamed away while I shelled peas, imagining myself sitting on a front porch with several women. Our children would be running around in the yard, stopping by every once in a while to steal a few fresh, sweet peas to munch on, and we would be gabbing and laughing while we shelled together. The job would be the same, and it would take the same amount of time, but how much more fun it would be!
God designed us women to live and work along side other women. (And, as a side note, I'm sure that men are the same. My husband has a wonderful connection with the guys he works with, both at his job and at church. So much so that I'm jealous, and wondering why we women don't or won't make it happen.) At any rate, that's why we even travel to the bathroom together at restaurants! We crave that time of sitting on the porch shelling peas or snapping green beans together, and we don't know how to get it back. Most of us never even had it to begin with! I've had a few tastes of it, like that day with my grandmother, and a few special times spent with a local friend hanging out and cooking a meal together while our children play and torment one another. Those tastes only make me long for more of it on a more regular basis!
And so it is that Facebook and message boards steal much of my time, even now when I am trying so hard to focus on being homeward. I'm not trying to make excuses for wasting time on the internet, but it would make it a lot easier to forget about (or at least spend significantly less time on) those "false" communities if I had a real one to rely on. I've also spent time going to local mom groups and play dates. These, too, feel forced and false. I leave wondering why I went in the first place when there was so much work to be done at home. I think true fellowship happens when you live and work alongside someone. You can't force it by just meeting together with some silly agenda. You can't satisfy your needs by "meeting" online with people you've never physically met. (Not to say that those bonds aren't strong! I love many of my online friends like I love my family, and I'm so happy to have had the chance to get to know them. But they still can't replace a physical hug, or a buddy to chat with while shelling peas.) There are many ways that women in our society try to fill this void. And I'm sure that any of those women would admit in their heart of hearts that nothing really fills it to their satisfaction.
I can't say that there's any easy solution for this. Our society has crumbled community to the point that no one even knows how to really do it anymore. But I, for one, am praying for a way to one day get it together with the women in my church, the women around me. And I suppose, if nothing else, it won't be too terribly long before my daughters (yes, that's plural now!!) are big enough to shell those ridiculous peas with me, and I'll be the older woman training them in how to be homeward. Lord, help us! :)
No, I'm not saying my husband doesn't help me. He helps immensely just by providing for us. Not only that, but he's wonderful with the kids, even when he's tired after working all day. I landed a good one, and for that I am eternally grateful. And I'm not even saying my kids don't help. They try to keep their rooms clean, and try to help me pick up when I ask them too. Even Maggie is able to throw trash in the trash can, or take her toys to her room.
What I'm lamenting here is the lack of community. In my scripture, Titus 2:3-5, it talks about being homeward in orientation, and that's what I've been working toward. But it also talks about women helping one another to stay on task, encouraging and setting examples for one another. This is something our society sorely lacks. And the worst part about it, is that I think it causes us to get even further off task. We all crave community. We are designed by God to be in community with one another. And this break-down of real, physical community has caused us to search for it elsewhere. The closest thing I have found to community with other women, is with people who live hundreds, if not thousands, of miles away from me. I love those women and what we have going on our online message board is not a bad thing by any means. But it's not really real, if you know what I mean.
At the beginning of June, Logan and I went to pick strawberries. (Which inspired me to write a short story also. But more on that in a later blog.) It was such an awesome Titus 2 experience. My grandmother kept Maggie while Logan and I picked strawberries for us and for my grandmother. When we were done, we all went shopping together to get everything we'd need to make our jam, and she taught me how to do it. It was just a little taste of that biblical unity, and it was so refreshing. We worked together to get a job done. The older woman caring for the baby while the younger woman and older child did the "labor" part of the work. She then trained me in how to accomplish something that I'd never done, but that she's been doing for decades. It worked beautifully and I think we both felt a little God breeze from the way we worked together that day; at least, I know I did.
That is in stark contrast to the way I've been feeling this week. Peas are the current crop of the week. I still haven't perfected that magical touch that tells you exactly when to pick peas, so many of mine are huge and bitter from hanging on the vine too long. That magical touch could probably be taught, but I don't have someone to teach it to me. It's been 3 years of trial and error. (The first year, we picked too early. Last year, we waited so long that most of the peas rotted on the vine. This year, we picked a little too late. Le sigh...) So all the peas finally got picked yesterday. The majority of my day today was spent shelling them, so that they can be canned this weekend. Just in case you don't know, shelling peas is a very dull job with a very small pay-out. It cramps your hands and your bowl of empty shells gets full WAY faster than your bowl of little, green peas does. So, as I was sitting, by myself, shelling peas, it occurred to me that this is not a job God intended for us to do alone. I daydreamed away while I shelled peas, imagining myself sitting on a front porch with several women. Our children would be running around in the yard, stopping by every once in a while to steal a few fresh, sweet peas to munch on, and we would be gabbing and laughing while we shelled together. The job would be the same, and it would take the same amount of time, but how much more fun it would be!
God designed us women to live and work along side other women. (And, as a side note, I'm sure that men are the same. My husband has a wonderful connection with the guys he works with, both at his job and at church. So much so that I'm jealous, and wondering why we women don't or won't make it happen.) At any rate, that's why we even travel to the bathroom together at restaurants! We crave that time of sitting on the porch shelling peas or snapping green beans together, and we don't know how to get it back. Most of us never even had it to begin with! I've had a few tastes of it, like that day with my grandmother, and a few special times spent with a local friend hanging out and cooking a meal together while our children play and torment one another. Those tastes only make me long for more of it on a more regular basis!
And so it is that Facebook and message boards steal much of my time, even now when I am trying so hard to focus on being homeward. I'm not trying to make excuses for wasting time on the internet, but it would make it a lot easier to forget about (or at least spend significantly less time on) those "false" communities if I had a real one to rely on. I've also spent time going to local mom groups and play dates. These, too, feel forced and false. I leave wondering why I went in the first place when there was so much work to be done at home. I think true fellowship happens when you live and work alongside someone. You can't force it by just meeting together with some silly agenda. You can't satisfy your needs by "meeting" online with people you've never physically met. (Not to say that those bonds aren't strong! I love many of my online friends like I love my family, and I'm so happy to have had the chance to get to know them. But they still can't replace a physical hug, or a buddy to chat with while shelling peas.) There are many ways that women in our society try to fill this void. And I'm sure that any of those women would admit in their heart of hearts that nothing really fills it to their satisfaction.
I can't say that there's any easy solution for this. Our society has crumbled community to the point that no one even knows how to really do it anymore. But I, for one, am praying for a way to one day get it together with the women in my church, the women around me. And I suppose, if nothing else, it won't be too terribly long before my daughters (yes, that's plural now!!) are big enough to shell those ridiculous peas with me, and I'll be the older woman training them in how to be homeward. Lord, help us! :)
Tuesday, May 10, 2011
In which nothing says lovin' like a bun in the oven
So, yeah... I'm not a great blogger. I always have the best of intentions, and write amazing, genius, Pulitzer-worthy blogs in my head, but somehow they never get posted so I am still awaiting my Pulitzer. But anyway, here I am, giving it another shot. You may not hear from me for another 6 months after this, but I'll try to do better from here on out. And I just wanted to add that, since it's been so long, forgive me if I ramble. My mind is going a million miles a minute, but it's filled with good stuff and I want to spread the love (or at least make a record of it so that I can re-read this when my mind's filled with not-so-good stuff).
The fact that my blog has been completely inactive, though, certainly doesn't mean that I have been. I'm skipping the My One Word journal that was given this month (and continuing to skip the ones that I've already skipped) so that I can get some other stuff out. I am still working on my homeward-ness, and do plan on catching up on those at some point. But today is not that point.
I guess the biggest news since my last post is that my sweet man and I are expecting another baby. Currently nicknamed Blueberry, the baby is due on November 5. No, we don't know if it's a boy or a girl yet. I'm not sure if we plan on finding out, but I'll say that we probably will because Eric wants to know and I'm sure as heck not letting him know if I don't. I'm not that bothered about the whole surprise thing. You either get surprised when you still have time to buy blue or pink clothing or you get surprised when you've already had to stock up on green and yellow stuff. We'll likely opt for the earlier, prep-time surprise. At first, Blueberry had me quite sick. Thankfully, that only lasted for a few weeks. Now my appetite is back in full force and I'm starting to get a bit of a bump (more than the fat roll I had a few weeks ago). I need to get a picture, but I need a competent camera operator to do that. Logan doesn't count.
The second bit of big news is that Logan has finished 1st grade! I am so incredibly proud of him. We actually finished up early this year because we were both starting to get twitterpated; him with the beautiful weather outside, and me with the beautiful dirt in the garden. So we went over the standards for 1st grade, found out we'd already surpassed them, and called this boring, boring curriculum quits. He took his test and got a 92%, so the government is satisfied. He got a National Award in PE (yes, I bore my musician husband a jock!). And I have seen him learn and grow so much this year that I am tickled pink! He is a really amazing little boy, and I am super proud of him. Next year we are planning to homeschool again, although we'll start in early August this time so we can take the amount of time off that we need to in November when Blueberry arrives. I'm super excited to get away from CLE, which was educationally very good, but also very boring, and get back to My Father's World, which we did in Kindergarten and both really loved. We're also supplementing that with Professor B math, which I'm also massively excited about. Logan is not a lover of math (wonder where he got that from....), and from the research I've done, this is a GREAT curriculum for kids like him. And I'm sure we'll be supplementing with plenty of visits to the library and any other cool field trips we can afford and with some cool lapbooks again too (we did several this year and had a lot of fun with them.) Homeschooling rocks and I am so proud and happy that we can call ourselves a homeschool family!
Well. Now that I have the big announcements out of the way, I guess I can actually get to the point here. This does have something to do with that special little word I've chosen, so if you were hoping for an update on that, you can count this, because it's as close as you're going to get right now.
I'm sure that anyone who reads this knows that I have been attempting to FLY for almost two years now. Those attempts have been largely comprised of tiny flutters followed by severe crashing and burning. I am out to change that once and for all. So I started with my bed. I know, I know... FlyLady says start with the kitchen sink. But hear me out!
The kitchen sink thing just didn't work for me. I shined my kitchen sink fifty-eleven times. Usually at least once a month, I would "get back on the wagon" and shine my sink. After doing all the massive pile-up of dishes, and shining said sink, I was so exhausted that I couldn't possibly do another thing. Shining the sink is the first step right? Yeah, only if you keep it that way every day. Not if you clean the dishes, shine the sink, then let the dishes (and disgusting bits that go along with them) pile up in the shiny sink until it is dull and gross again. That's what we call a vicious cycle. But I know in the depths of my soul that FlyLady is a system that works miracles for people like me. I know that it works and I know that I'm not THAT flawed that FlyLady can't possibly work for me. So I made up a new sink. It's called my bed.
My whole house was a wreck. Clutter everywhere, dirt piled up. Disgusting. I would manage to crisis clean it decently any time I was expecting company, but God forbid someone drop by unannounced! I started reading FlyLady's book, Sink Reflections and she said something that hit me like a ton of bricks. She was talking about getting our houses "company ready" and then reflected that she hated that term because we should be treating our families even better than we treat our company. Ouch. And I knew something had to change. I decided that since that sink thing wasn't working for me, I needed a new focus. And I somehow fell into it being my bed. Making my bed is way easier than keeping all my dishes done. It takes only a few minutes and it looks gorgeous when it's all tucked in neat. And it feels delicious to climb into a clean, neat bed at the end of a long day. So I made the bed. And even though my room was disastardly (my own word, and I love it too much to let the spell-checker fix it), I smiled every time I walked in the room or walked past the room because I could see that nice neat bed. And from there I got started. I made my bed every day. The next week I actually washed the sheets (and I can't tell you how long it had been. Yuck.) And I still kept making the bed. Then I decided that I wanted the room to look decent around that beautiful bed, so I figured I'd better start doing laundry. And suddenly (okay, actually like a week later) all the laundry was done. I'm doing one load each day now and putting it away as soon as it's dry. There's no more clean laundry pile-up. No more dirty laundry pile-up. No more wondering if something in or near a pile is clean or dirty. All the clothes are put away. Baby step 2 complete.
The following Monday (which was yesterday) I washed the sheets again. I hung them on the line and started to remake the bed with sheets from the closet. Then I stopped myself. I'm doing all this work to make things pretty... I deserve to have sheets that smell like sunshine on my bed! So for the first time in 2 weeks, I didn't make my bed right away yesterday. I waited until the sheets on the line were dry and then made it. Now my bed smells like sunshine and it makes me even happier. So this is what that "finally loving yourself" thing is all about...
So fast forward to today and I am working on baby step number 3. I'm still following the FlyLady philosophy - FlyLady gave me my pixie dust to get me off the ground! - but I'm making it work for me, like she always says to do! My baby step number 3 is to get the dishes done and keep them done. If I do a small sink-full every day, it'll be just like the laundry, done and done with very minimal effort. And that's the kind of doing I like.
So wish me luck as I flutter off to work on some more dishes. My bed is made. The laundry is done, folded and put away. Baby step number three is half-way completed. Give me a couple of weeks and I think my house will be not just company-ready, but home.
"I began by shining my sink. It was a simple task that did not overpower me. When I finished the sink that shiny sink gave me hope. It was also faith in myself. I accomplished something and I was keeping it shining and not falling back into my old ways." ~FlyLady
The fact that my blog has been completely inactive, though, certainly doesn't mean that I have been. I'm skipping the My One Word journal that was given this month (and continuing to skip the ones that I've already skipped) so that I can get some other stuff out. I am still working on my homeward-ness, and do plan on catching up on those at some point. But today is not that point.
I guess the biggest news since my last post is that my sweet man and I are expecting another baby. Currently nicknamed Blueberry, the baby is due on November 5. No, we don't know if it's a boy or a girl yet. I'm not sure if we plan on finding out, but I'll say that we probably will because Eric wants to know and I'm sure as heck not letting him know if I don't. I'm not that bothered about the whole surprise thing. You either get surprised when you still have time to buy blue or pink clothing or you get surprised when you've already had to stock up on green and yellow stuff. We'll likely opt for the earlier, prep-time surprise. At first, Blueberry had me quite sick. Thankfully, that only lasted for a few weeks. Now my appetite is back in full force and I'm starting to get a bit of a bump (more than the fat roll I had a few weeks ago). I need to get a picture, but I need a competent camera operator to do that. Logan doesn't count.
The second bit of big news is that Logan has finished 1st grade! I am so incredibly proud of him. We actually finished up early this year because we were both starting to get twitterpated; him with the beautiful weather outside, and me with the beautiful dirt in the garden. So we went over the standards for 1st grade, found out we'd already surpassed them, and called this boring, boring curriculum quits. He took his test and got a 92%, so the government is satisfied. He got a National Award in PE (yes, I bore my musician husband a jock!). And I have seen him learn and grow so much this year that I am tickled pink! He is a really amazing little boy, and I am super proud of him. Next year we are planning to homeschool again, although we'll start in early August this time so we can take the amount of time off that we need to in November when Blueberry arrives. I'm super excited to get away from CLE, which was educationally very good, but also very boring, and get back to My Father's World, which we did in Kindergarten and both really loved. We're also supplementing that with Professor B math, which I'm also massively excited about. Logan is not a lover of math (wonder where he got that from....), and from the research I've done, this is a GREAT curriculum for kids like him. And I'm sure we'll be supplementing with plenty of visits to the library and any other cool field trips we can afford and with some cool lapbooks again too (we did several this year and had a lot of fun with them.) Homeschooling rocks and I am so proud and happy that we can call ourselves a homeschool family!
Well. Now that I have the big announcements out of the way, I guess I can actually get to the point here. This does have something to do with that special little word I've chosen, so if you were hoping for an update on that, you can count this, because it's as close as you're going to get right now.
I'm sure that anyone who reads this knows that I have been attempting to FLY for almost two years now. Those attempts have been largely comprised of tiny flutters followed by severe crashing and burning. I am out to change that once and for all. So I started with my bed. I know, I know... FlyLady says start with the kitchen sink. But hear me out!
The kitchen sink thing just didn't work for me. I shined my kitchen sink fifty-eleven times. Usually at least once a month, I would "get back on the wagon" and shine my sink. After doing all the massive pile-up of dishes, and shining said sink, I was so exhausted that I couldn't possibly do another thing. Shining the sink is the first step right? Yeah, only if you keep it that way every day. Not if you clean the dishes, shine the sink, then let the dishes (and disgusting bits that go along with them) pile up in the shiny sink until it is dull and gross again. That's what we call a vicious cycle. But I know in the depths of my soul that FlyLady is a system that works miracles for people like me. I know that it works and I know that I'm not THAT flawed that FlyLady can't possibly work for me. So I made up a new sink. It's called my bed.
My whole house was a wreck. Clutter everywhere, dirt piled up. Disgusting. I would manage to crisis clean it decently any time I was expecting company, but God forbid someone drop by unannounced! I started reading FlyLady's book, Sink Reflections and she said something that hit me like a ton of bricks. She was talking about getting our houses "company ready" and then reflected that she hated that term because we should be treating our families even better than we treat our company. Ouch. And I knew something had to change. I decided that since that sink thing wasn't working for me, I needed a new focus. And I somehow fell into it being my bed. Making my bed is way easier than keeping all my dishes done. It takes only a few minutes and it looks gorgeous when it's all tucked in neat. And it feels delicious to climb into a clean, neat bed at the end of a long day. So I made the bed. And even though my room was disastardly (my own word, and I love it too much to let the spell-checker fix it), I smiled every time I walked in the room or walked past the room because I could see that nice neat bed. And from there I got started. I made my bed every day. The next week I actually washed the sheets (and I can't tell you how long it had been. Yuck.) And I still kept making the bed. Then I decided that I wanted the room to look decent around that beautiful bed, so I figured I'd better start doing laundry. And suddenly (okay, actually like a week later) all the laundry was done. I'm doing one load each day now and putting it away as soon as it's dry. There's no more clean laundry pile-up. No more dirty laundry pile-up. No more wondering if something in or near a pile is clean or dirty. All the clothes are put away. Baby step 2 complete.
The following Monday (which was yesterday) I washed the sheets again. I hung them on the line and started to remake the bed with sheets from the closet. Then I stopped myself. I'm doing all this work to make things pretty... I deserve to have sheets that smell like sunshine on my bed! So for the first time in 2 weeks, I didn't make my bed right away yesterday. I waited until the sheets on the line were dry and then made it. Now my bed smells like sunshine and it makes me even happier. So this is what that "finally loving yourself" thing is all about...
So fast forward to today and I am working on baby step number 3. I'm still following the FlyLady philosophy - FlyLady gave me my pixie dust to get me off the ground! - but I'm making it work for me, like she always says to do! My baby step number 3 is to get the dishes done and keep them done. If I do a small sink-full every day, it'll be just like the laundry, done and done with very minimal effort. And that's the kind of doing I like.
So wish me luck as I flutter off to work on some more dishes. My bed is made. The laundry is done, folded and put away. Baby step number three is half-way completed. Give me a couple of weeks and I think my house will be not just company-ready, but home.
"I began by shining my sink. It was a simple task that did not overpower me. When I finished the sink that shiny sink gave me hope. It was also faith in myself. I accomplished something and I was keeping it shining and not falling back into my old ways." ~FlyLady
Monday, January 24, 2011
In which my thoughts escape
Something I've found is that becoming "homeward" is about a lot more than walking around all day singing Paul Simon. Who knew?!
Clearly, everyone should accept this statement. So I have. I completely accept that. But how exactly can I go about putting it into practice? Really. How does a disorganized housewife go about training for Godliness? Yep, discipline. So here are the disciplines that I've actually signed on for here: self-controlled, pure, busy at home, kind, and submissive to my husband. Let me break it down...
Self-controlled: This kind of encompasses a lot, depending on your situation. What it means for me specifically is that I need to productively channel my frustrations. Being a fighter is not helpful in the home. Proverbs says that someone without self control is like a city with broken-down walls. That really resonates with me now that I'm thinking about it. I actually started this blog two days ago, but really had to meditate on this self-control thing. When I lose my self-control, I can almost feel my figurative walls start to crumble. And generally when I lose my composure, it's because I'm angry with Logan. What happens then is that I open myself up to "attacks" from him. When I am in control of my speech and emotions, I can take whatever he can deal. I might not be making an immediate difference in the situation, but I'm still in control of myself, at the very least. But once I lose control, he can break me down in a second. And then I know my whole day's gone down the drain, because I'm on edge, he's on edge, and all that will be accomplished that day is a big pile of skubala.
Pure: The obvious meaning (at least for me) of this is to be sexually pure (where's my mind?). And I think that's an extremely important message. Sex is a wonderful and beautiful thing when taken in the context that God designed for it. And I could literally write entire blogs about that topic. But I think that's another blog for another time. It is important to stay pure in that way, but that's really not a problem for me at this point in time. I'm already on guard in that area. The type of purity that needs my focus for the purposes of this exercise is a bit deeper. It's to be pure in heart, thought, motive. I think this sums it up better than I can. Imagine that. This is really a key component too, and one that I probably wouldn't have thought to address, except that I started to break down my verse. It's all well and good to do all these things, but all our righteous deeds are like (*cough*) bloody tampons. (Yeah, the bible pretty much says that). The point is to have your heart in the right place and your eyes on Jesus while you're doing what you're doing. The point is to spend your life on Him. And so no matter how clean my house is, how happy my husband is, how good my cooking is, or how well-behaved my kids are, it's all bloody tampons if my motives aren't pure.
Busy at Home: Ahh, the Proverbs 31 wife. That saucy minx! She is the delight of her husband and the envy of every housewife. To have everything that together would put me on cloud flipping nine. That is what Paul's talking about! Well... that and a bit more. I think to have it all together like old P31 is a good part and a great start of it. But the other side is that if one is busy at home, one cannot be busy in other places where one should not be. To be busy at home means 1) to actually be at home and 2) to be active while you're there. It actually means that I'm doing better work if I'm not carting my kids all over God's green earth for 1001 extracurriculars. I'm doing better work if I'm not spending my time watching soaps. And I'm doing better work if I'm home reading my Bible, writing this blog (or that one), or hanging out with my husband instead of going out to shop or have a drink. That's not to say that extracurriculars, tv, or time with friends is bad - not at all! - but those kinds of things really cannot to be high on my priority list. Busy at home means busy at home. By God's providence, we really don't have a lot of money for that kind of thing, so the "home" part isn't that difficult for me; the "busy" part may prove to be more so.
Kind: So, my best friend asked me earlier this evening how homeschooling was going. And up until that point, my initial thought would have been something to the effect of "Logan is freaking impossible!!!!" But, interestingly, what came out of my mouth was to describe how difficult it would be to have to have school in your own house where your TV, all your toys and video games, and your fun-to-play with sister are all at arms reach. And not only this, but to have your own mom, whom you know how to irritate and push around, teaching you. I have no idea why those things came out, other than divine inspiration so that I'd have an anecdote to share here. But I think that's what kindness is about. Putting yourself in another person's shoes. Having compassion toward them, even when the issues they're dealing with cause you personal discomfort (or sheer rage). Normally, I am not so great at this. Oh, sure, I always have an excuse in my mind for why the guy in front of me is driving 12 miles an hour with his blinker on for the past mile. And I never get angry at that guy. But when my husband is playing XBox instead of talking to me, it's not quite so easy for me to be kind about it. I don't mean it would be okay to let my family walk all over me, but to recognize that maybe my husband's had a hard day at work and needs a chance to unwind for a little while really wouldn't be all that out of line.
Submissive: This is not a real easy pill to swallow for a forward-thinking woman. The fact that a husband plays an important role in this sometimes lessons the blow. Really, it's not all that difficult to submit to a man who loves you so much he'd die for you and wants to give you the very best of everything he has to offer. Yep, that's what God calls him to do. All I have to do is submit to him. Submission really doesn't bother me at all because it kind of takes the pressure off, in a way. It's like I can trust that he's in control, so I don't have to be. It's very reassuring to be in submission. Girl power! Or something like that. This is the one part of submission that I'm still really trying to work out though... Adorn myself with submission?? Be submissive like Sarah?!?! What does fear have to do with anything??? I'll let you know when I work that one out. And Peter says Paul's writing is difficult to understand. Sheesh...
So..... I know what I need to do. I just need to submit to the will of God and follow these simple steps. I would say that my biggest stumbling block to all of this is my own very thick skull. Clearly I know the answers and can break it down very (okay, not very) concisely. But it's very difficult to get anywhere when one is so terribly busy fighting with one's self. The good thing is that, even though I really can't do all this, Jesus can! I just need to keep digging those ditches in faith (yep, sticking with the Elisha reference), because I know that He is faithful (God, not Elisha... although he was too...) and He wants me to live life to the full. And when I think about it in that context, I realize that the whining and "I don't wanna's" actually are coming straight from the pits of Hell.
Heavy, right? God doesn't want me and my kids sitting amidst piles of junk arguing. But someone does want that. And he comes to steal, kill, and destroy. He's coming to steal my joy, to kill my orderliness, and to destroy my relationships. Why should I allow that? The fact is, there's no reason on earth that I should. Jesus has already crushed him, and I don't have to let him mess things up for me.
Someone remind me of that next time I put down my shovel.
Friday, January 21, 2011
In which we got trouble right here in River City
It seems like par for the course that I would write one day about how well I was doing at keeping my cool with my son, and then the very next day he would drag me through hell. Gotcha!
It started yesterday morning when I told Logan to get dressed for the day and he came back and said he didn't have any pants in his drawer. Excuse me?! I have been keeping up on the house work. I know good and well that you've got pants in your drawer! After some investigation, I found that instead of putting his clothes away when Eric or I sent him to his room with a stack, he had been shoving them in the back of his closet instead of placing them in the appropriate drawer. So, I told him to take all the clothes out of the back of the closet, get dressed and I would be with him in a moment. I was fuming! I took that moment to send up a quick prayer, asking for God's guidance and an extra dose of that awesome patience he'd been providing. Then I texted Eric to clue him in to what was going on. And I went back to Logan. I told him he would need to finish all his school work, straighten his room, and put the clothes away properly before he'd be allowed TV, Xbox, DS, or computer. (And off topic, why the heck does a six-year-old have these kinds of options available to him in the first place?? Who are his parents?? I'd like to have a word....... oh.... yeah... me.) Anyway...
That was the end of my sanity for the day. The entire day was spent with me telling him what he needed to do and him retorting "I WILL NOT DO WHAT YOU SAY UNTIL YOU GIVE ME WHAT I WANT!!!!!" or "YOU WILL GIVE ME WHAT I WANT NOW!!!!! He jumped on my back. He hung on my legs. He punched me. He climbed the doorways like a monkey so I couldn't get through from room to room. This is my life. This is why I need patience. Praise God, I kept my wits about me all day. I never backed down, never raised my hand or voice in anger, never got any of my work done, and never got through to him. Eric came home, talked to him for 5 minutes, gave him three swats on the butt, and Logan started working. Seriously? Seriously?!?! I did everything I was supposed to do! I followed the rules! I went by the book! My responses were Spirit led! Why didn't my actions produce the desired response?!
So... two days after my post saying that I wasn't feeling a whole lot of resistance, I am posting that I am feeling a lot of resistance. I am feeling pretty down, honestly. It's funny how one bad day can make you forget a week of good ones. I was ready by the end of the day to put Logan on a school bus - any school bus - this morning, whether he was registered for school or not. But I can't do that, for obvious reasons, so I have to learn to cope with days like that.
So what does God say about it all? Logan's a fool? That doesn't seem right. He's stupid? I don't think that's the answer either. I have to wait for the results of my discipline? That's probably closer to it. So how do I get through with my sanity somewhat intact until that proverbial "harvest of righteousness"? Patience. The lesson is still patience, and apparently I haven't learned it yet. (Interestingly, the verse that came to mind was Galations 6:9, interesting because Logan and I memorized that one together).
It is very difficult to be "homeward" when the home in question is an unpleasant place to be. I'm doing what I can to improve things. I have cleaned and organized. I have set up routines (and am even trying to follow them!) to make our days run smoothly. But where other people are involved (especially tiny, immature people) things won't always go as planned. I am doing a good job of being an outward picture of patience, but it's not really a part of me yet. Like I said in a previous blog, this is still feeling so unnatural because I'm asking God to change my very character. I guess it's yet another thing that will come together in God's perfect timing. (Funny that I need patience to develop real patience. Seems like kind of a Catch 22). But it makes it kind of hard when I need patience, and I need it now!
Today has, admittedly, been a bit better. School work never got done yesterday. School work never got done today. Bad homeschool mommy, I know. But I just didn't have the mental strength to push the issue, because homeschooling Logan truly is a daily struggle. I am going to sign off now, because I'm in a fairly bad place, and typing this (and likely reading it) is not terribly uplifting. I'm going to turn on my iPod and listen to some praise music and dance around my housework and pray for peace. Lord help me if I have another day like yesterday any time soon.
It would seem that something which means poverty, disorder and violence every single day should be avoided entirely, but the desire to beget children is a natural urge. ~Phyllis Diller
It started yesterday morning when I told Logan to get dressed for the day and he came back and said he didn't have any pants in his drawer. Excuse me?! I have been keeping up on the house work. I know good and well that you've got pants in your drawer! After some investigation, I found that instead of putting his clothes away when Eric or I sent him to his room with a stack, he had been shoving them in the back of his closet instead of placing them in the appropriate drawer. So, I told him to take all the clothes out of the back of the closet, get dressed and I would be with him in a moment. I was fuming! I took that moment to send up a quick prayer, asking for God's guidance and an extra dose of that awesome patience he'd been providing. Then I texted Eric to clue him in to what was going on. And I went back to Logan. I told him he would need to finish all his school work, straighten his room, and put the clothes away properly before he'd be allowed TV, Xbox, DS, or computer. (And off topic, why the heck does a six-year-old have these kinds of options available to him in the first place?? Who are his parents?? I'd like to have a word....... oh.... yeah... me.) Anyway...
That was the end of my sanity for the day. The entire day was spent with me telling him what he needed to do and him retorting "I WILL NOT DO WHAT YOU SAY UNTIL YOU GIVE ME WHAT I WANT!!!!!" or "YOU WILL GIVE ME WHAT I WANT NOW!!!!! He jumped on my back. He hung on my legs. He punched me. He climbed the doorways like a monkey so I couldn't get through from room to room. This is my life. This is why I need patience. Praise God, I kept my wits about me all day. I never backed down, never raised my hand or voice in anger, never got any of my work done, and never got through to him. Eric came home, talked to him for 5 minutes, gave him three swats on the butt, and Logan started working. Seriously? Seriously?!?! I did everything I was supposed to do! I followed the rules! I went by the book! My responses were Spirit led! Why didn't my actions produce the desired response?!
So... two days after my post saying that I wasn't feeling a whole lot of resistance, I am posting that I am feeling a lot of resistance. I am feeling pretty down, honestly. It's funny how one bad day can make you forget a week of good ones. I was ready by the end of the day to put Logan on a school bus - any school bus - this morning, whether he was registered for school or not. But I can't do that, for obvious reasons, so I have to learn to cope with days like that.
So what does God say about it all? Logan's a fool? That doesn't seem right. He's stupid? I don't think that's the answer either. I have to wait for the results of my discipline? That's probably closer to it. So how do I get through with my sanity somewhat intact until that proverbial "harvest of righteousness"? Patience. The lesson is still patience, and apparently I haven't learned it yet. (Interestingly, the verse that came to mind was Galations 6:9, interesting because Logan and I memorized that one together).
It is very difficult to be "homeward" when the home in question is an unpleasant place to be. I'm doing what I can to improve things. I have cleaned and organized. I have set up routines (and am even trying to follow them!) to make our days run smoothly. But where other people are involved (especially tiny, immature people) things won't always go as planned. I am doing a good job of being an outward picture of patience, but it's not really a part of me yet. Like I said in a previous blog, this is still feeling so unnatural because I'm asking God to change my very character. I guess it's yet another thing that will come together in God's perfect timing. (Funny that I need patience to develop real patience. Seems like kind of a Catch 22). But it makes it kind of hard when I need patience, and I need it now!
Today has, admittedly, been a bit better. School work never got done yesterday. School work never got done today. Bad homeschool mommy, I know. But I just didn't have the mental strength to push the issue, because homeschooling Logan truly is a daily struggle. I am going to sign off now, because I'm in a fairly bad place, and typing this (and likely reading it) is not terribly uplifting. I'm going to turn on my iPod and listen to some praise music and dance around my housework and pray for peace. Lord help me if I have another day like yesterday any time soon.
It would seem that something which means poverty, disorder and violence every single day should be avoided entirely, but the desire to beget children is a natural urge. ~Phyllis Diller
Wednesday, January 19, 2011
In which I try to look through God colored glasses
The first challenge, now that the one-word euphoria has died down and real life has started to set in, is to view this challenge as something that is about more than me and the things I do. Not that there's anything wrong with wanting to do good things, but doing good stuff isn't going to get me where I want to be. Doing good things through my own power will just have me running around like Martha and never getting it all done.
So the really crucial part here is making sure that I'm not just trying to get it all done myself. Because I can do that for a few days. I've done it before. Especially right before a Tupperware party! But it never lasts, because I'm never making real changes within myself, just putting up a front and acting like a clean-house-Pharisee. To truly make this work, it has to be something that God does within me, not something that I do to my house and family.
The first thing that I'm trying to tackle is my lack of patience. The fact is, we are living in a material world and I am a material girl. I want it all to happen right now. It's like, I've decided I want a clean house and I want it cleaned.... now! (I'll even wiggle my nose if that will help). I want school with my son to be easy and I want it to start now! So, why isn't he doing his part and learning already?!
See my problem?
The other thing that has been a real hindrance this week is my words. I know that we speak out of the overflow of our hearts. But when God laid that scripture on my heart, I didn't care too much for it. I am the mom that flies off the handle and screams. And that's the overflow of my heart? No way... I love my kids more than life itself! I am momma bear, hear me roar! So why do I talk to my kids that way? I would strangle someone else who talked to them like that... Again, I am praying for patience. I had a long conversation with Logan about it and apologized to him for speaking that way to him. And he is so amazing. He hugged me and said "I'm happy you're trying to be nicer." Wow.
And something struck me, just now actually. I didn't plan to write this, but I will because it's profound. One of the main reasons that I wanted to improve my character was so that my kids would see and experience God's love in our household. And the first thing I'm working on is patience. Looks like I got myself a checklist of Godly self-improvement. Next up, kindness...
So it's been a tough couple of weeks with this one word thing. Aside from my lack of patience, my biggest problem has been this major martyr-complex. The classic "I've been slaving over a hot stove all day..." syndrome. The fact is, I really do receive a lot of joy from serving my family. Getting to spend my time loving our kids is an awesome, awesome payment for the work I do. But there are still times when my old nature kicks in and I think "I know Eric's just going to get this bed wrinkly so I don't know why I bother making it?!" or "I don't know why I'm out here washing dishes while Eric and the kids are watching TV!" Poor me... I sacrifice so much of myself. And Eric will say with a little gleam in his eye, "Well, it's not my job..." and I remember... I'm not a martyr... just a housewife. Get back in the kitchen, woman...
Seriously though... I am grateful to God for convicting me, for breaking my heart when it needed it, and for forgiving me for my major (and minor) screw-ups. And what's really awesome is that I have kept a level head with Logan for four days now. That's not saying I haven't been frustrated or even angry with him. I have! Just FYI, six-year-old boys are massively frustrating. But praise God! I have been patient with him. I have rebuked him lovingly. I have even listened with both ears when he tells me all about Lego Batman and what a hindrance Robin can be. And that's not me. That's not me at all. Only God could do that, because did I mention that six-year-old boys are frustrating?
I have been slowly, patiently working on getting things in order. It's a long process, but I am digging ditches and getting there. And I am sure it'll take at least a year, but I know the water's coming, even if I don't see the rain, and I'm trusting God until it gets here.
Parents are the very last people who ought to be allowed to have children. ~H.E. Bell
So the really crucial part here is making sure that I'm not just trying to get it all done myself. Because I can do that for a few days. I've done it before. Especially right before a Tupperware party! But it never lasts, because I'm never making real changes within myself, just putting up a front and acting like a clean-house-Pharisee. To truly make this work, it has to be something that God does within me, not something that I do to my house and family.
The first thing that I'm trying to tackle is my lack of patience. The fact is, we are living in a material world and I am a material girl. I want it all to happen right now. It's like, I've decided I want a clean house and I want it cleaned.... now! (I'll even wiggle my nose if that will help). I want school with my son to be easy and I want it to start now! So, why isn't he doing his part and learning already?!
See my problem?
The other thing that has been a real hindrance this week is my words. I know that we speak out of the overflow of our hearts. But when God laid that scripture on my heart, I didn't care too much for it. I am the mom that flies off the handle and screams. And that's the overflow of my heart? No way... I love my kids more than life itself! I am momma bear, hear me roar! So why do I talk to my kids that way? I would strangle someone else who talked to them like that... Again, I am praying for patience. I had a long conversation with Logan about it and apologized to him for speaking that way to him. And he is so amazing. He hugged me and said "I'm happy you're trying to be nicer." Wow.
And something struck me, just now actually. I didn't plan to write this, but I will because it's profound. One of the main reasons that I wanted to improve my character was so that my kids would see and experience God's love in our household. And the first thing I'm working on is patience. Looks like I got myself a checklist of Godly self-improvement. Next up, kindness...
So it's been a tough couple of weeks with this one word thing. Aside from my lack of patience, my biggest problem has been this major martyr-complex. The classic "I've been slaving over a hot stove all day..." syndrome. The fact is, I really do receive a lot of joy from serving my family. Getting to spend my time loving our kids is an awesome, awesome payment for the work I do. But there are still times when my old nature kicks in and I think "I know Eric's just going to get this bed wrinkly so I don't know why I bother making it?!" or "I don't know why I'm out here washing dishes while Eric and the kids are watching TV!" Poor me... I sacrifice so much of myself. And Eric will say with a little gleam in his eye, "Well, it's not my job..." and I remember... I'm not a martyr... just a housewife. Get back in the kitchen, woman...
Seriously though... I am grateful to God for convicting me, for breaking my heart when it needed it, and for forgiving me for my major (and minor) screw-ups. And what's really awesome is that I have kept a level head with Logan for four days now. That's not saying I haven't been frustrated or even angry with him. I have! Just FYI, six-year-old boys are massively frustrating. But praise God! I have been patient with him. I have rebuked him lovingly. I have even listened with both ears when he tells me all about Lego Batman and what a hindrance Robin can be. And that's not me. That's not me at all. Only God could do that, because did I mention that six-year-old boys are frustrating?
I have been slowly, patiently working on getting things in order. It's a long process, but I am digging ditches and getting there. And I am sure it'll take at least a year, but I know the water's coming, even if I don't see the rain, and I'm trusting God until it gets here.
Parents are the very last people who ought to be allowed to have children. ~H.E. Bell
Sunday, January 16, 2011
In which I make a resolution I can stand by (I hope)
Around the end of 2010, I started hearing little rumblings about choosing one word to focus and meditate on in the New Year instead of making a resolution. After a great deal of procrastination, I finally looked up the site and decided I'd give it a try. I put a lot of thought into this one word and I think I finally came up with something that will work really well for me and embodies the person I'd like to be at the end of 2011. I am the type (like most of us, I'm sure) that always makes resolutions with good (if slightly intoxicated) intentions and never stands by them for more than a few days. If I am totally honest, which I guess I will be here, I'm not sure that this will be any different. But I thought it would be beneficial to give it my best effort. If it works out, I'm going to focus this blog toward my one-word resolution. The site I'm using, My One Word, gives journal topics periodically, so if my blogs seem amazingly focused, it's because I've copied and pasted the topic here, then deleted it after exhausting the topic given. It's also quite likely that a lot of my links will be to scripture. I'd apologize for that, but I really don't need to because a)it's my blog and I'll link what I want to and b)there's nothing else that could possibly support my thoughts, feelings and ambitions here better.
As I'm sure anyone who will bother to read this knows, I am a stay at home mom. My biggest struggles revolve around caring for my children and organizing my home. I realized in thinking about this one word that my biggest reason for these problems is because my head isn't totally in it. Even though I'm a housewife (I prefer that to the PC "homemaker"), I still feel guilty that our family struggles financially and that I'm not in the workforce. And I must admit that I feel a bit jealous that I can't be out doing a job that I enjoy like my husband does. I, quite literally, desire my husband's position, as Genesis says that I will. It affects every aspect of my life at home, making me miserable and fairly useless at my actual calling: motherhood. I am called to be a mother to my young children, to love my husband, and to organize my home. My word is "homeward" because I want to focus my orientation homeward to be the wife, mother and woman that God wants me to be.
At the end of 2011, by focusing on this one word, I'd like to be a more devoted mother and wife. I would like to show my children the meaning of love and joy as I work in our home and teach them. I'd like to never (rarely?) be bogged down by that intense guilt that comes from yelling at my kids in anger or wasting a day doing nothing when the house is in shambles. I would love it if I could take my kids to the park without worrying that I'll be coming home, exhausted, to a big pile of CHAOS. The person I would like to become could be described with words like loving, joyful, peaceful, a good mom. I hate the feeling that I'm always doing and never accomplishing. I'd like to be the type of person who accomplishes at least a few things now and again.
I have been trying this for about a week+ now. Obviously, I'm not totally on top of it yet, since I'm just now writing the blog that should have been written a week (or two?) ago. In effect, I'm trying to change, or maybe just develop, my character. In my attempts thus far, it feels completely unnatural, and I am constantly reverting back to the old norms, just like I always have with every resolution I've ever made. The biggest difference is that this one is still on my mind, and the Holy Spirit convicts me when I'm wrong, which is frequently. Because of that, I know beyond the shadow of a doubt, that what I'm doing here is something that God wants of me. Wife and mother are, for this season of life, my highest callings.
In order to make these changes in character a reality, I am going to have to work pretty flipping hard at it. As I said, it is unnatural! To make these changes, I have to get up in the mornings, get my clothes on and make the bed. Eat a banana, so I don't get the low-blood-sugar/low-potassium grouchies (amazingly enough, eating right puts me in a better mood. Who knew?) Get my kids breakfast. Do school with my son. Straighten the house. Play with my kids. Amazingly enough, it's pretty simple stuff. And as I'm typing about it now, I imagine that nothing would bring me more joy than to serve my family in these ways. Oddly, in the morning, after getting not enough sleep, I will feel that there is no reason I can't stay in my pjs half the day, rush through school work, and lounge around on Facebook. Like Paul, I do not do what I want to do (although I doubt he ever imagined that verse would be applied to Facebook Wheel of Fortune). What's up with that? It's this cycle of laziness and selfishness that I need to change. Now, what's so hard about that?
As a housewife, I feel that if the kids are still alive when my husband gets home from work, then hey, I've done my job. ~Roseanne Barr
As I'm sure anyone who will bother to read this knows, I am a stay at home mom. My biggest struggles revolve around caring for my children and organizing my home. I realized in thinking about this one word that my biggest reason for these problems is because my head isn't totally in it. Even though I'm a housewife (I prefer that to the PC "homemaker"), I still feel guilty that our family struggles financially and that I'm not in the workforce. And I must admit that I feel a bit jealous that I can't be out doing a job that I enjoy like my husband does. I, quite literally, desire my husband's position, as Genesis says that I will. It affects every aspect of my life at home, making me miserable and fairly useless at my actual calling: motherhood. I am called to be a mother to my young children, to love my husband, and to organize my home. My word is "homeward" because I want to focus my orientation homeward to be the wife, mother and woman that God wants me to be.
At the end of 2011, by focusing on this one word, I'd like to be a more devoted mother and wife. I would like to show my children the meaning of love and joy as I work in our home and teach them. I'd like to never (rarely?) be bogged down by that intense guilt that comes from yelling at my kids in anger or wasting a day doing nothing when the house is in shambles. I would love it if I could take my kids to the park without worrying that I'll be coming home, exhausted, to a big pile of CHAOS. The person I would like to become could be described with words like loving, joyful, peaceful, a good mom. I hate the feeling that I'm always doing and never accomplishing. I'd like to be the type of person who accomplishes at least a few things now and again.
I have been trying this for about a week+ now. Obviously, I'm not totally on top of it yet, since I'm just now writing the blog that should have been written a week (or two?) ago. In effect, I'm trying to change, or maybe just develop, my character. In my attempts thus far, it feels completely unnatural, and I am constantly reverting back to the old norms, just like I always have with every resolution I've ever made. The biggest difference is that this one is still on my mind, and the Holy Spirit convicts me when I'm wrong, which is frequently. Because of that, I know beyond the shadow of a doubt, that what I'm doing here is something that God wants of me. Wife and mother are, for this season of life, my highest callings.
In order to make these changes in character a reality, I am going to have to work pretty flipping hard at it. As I said, it is unnatural! To make these changes, I have to get up in the mornings, get my clothes on and make the bed. Eat a banana, so I don't get the low-blood-sugar/low-potassium grouchies (amazingly enough, eating right puts me in a better mood. Who knew?) Get my kids breakfast. Do school with my son. Straighten the house. Play with my kids. Amazingly enough, it's pretty simple stuff. And as I'm typing about it now, I imagine that nothing would bring me more joy than to serve my family in these ways. Oddly, in the morning, after getting not enough sleep, I will feel that there is no reason I can't stay in my pjs half the day, rush through school work, and lounge around on Facebook. Like Paul, I do not do what I want to do (although I doubt he ever imagined that verse would be applied to Facebook Wheel of Fortune). What's up with that? It's this cycle of laziness and selfishness that I need to change. Now, what's so hard about that?
As a housewife, I feel that if the kids are still alive when my husband gets home from work, then hey, I've done my job. ~Roseanne Barr
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