Okay, so perhaps I haven't dropped the stick yet. But I'm working on it.
This past week, while scouring the interwebs for all manner of knowledge, I came across a site called At the Well, which is a site ministering to Titus 2 women. Right up my alley!! I was really happy to find this site, as I feel like most women's ministries I come across (usually ministering to Proverbs 31 women) just don't have the same New Testament flavor that Titus 2 projects. That probably makes very little sense to anyone other than me, but just roll with it, please. It really doesn't have to make sense for me to act on it. :-) So anyhoo, I found that At the Well does weekly challenges. They post new challenges each Monday. Since I just found the site on Thursday, I looked at the challenge, made a half-hearted (at best) stab at it and determined that I would actually start the challenges this week.
So this morning, after Eric headed off to work, I did my scripture reading for the day, which started off with the Israelite people grumbling in the desert for 5 chapters. And that seems so cut and dry, doesn't it? Because we all know the story oh-so-well, of how God delivered them and they kept complaining. So God fed them, and they kept complaining. And God gave them fresh water, and they kept complaining. So God paid them more attention, and they kept complaining. And then they built an idol. And I know for me, I read it and think about what idiots they were and why didn't they appreciate the wonderfully close relationship they had with God? And then I realize... oh. Same reason I do all the exact same stuff, I guess.
Then my readings concluded with a little talk about love.
Let me back up a little and mention that I have really been struggling with the fruits of the spirit lately. I feel like I don't exude those fruits the way a Christian woman ought to and I have been praying about it a lot. I don't like being the mom who yells at her kids instead of rebuking them in love when they need it. I don't like being the woman who complains about the housework instead of doing it to bless my family and glorify God. I don't like being the woman who sits around being lazy half the day instead of getting up and using my God-given talents and abilities. But that, my friends, is the woman I've become. Not fruitful, not loving, not even particularly Christian in attitude and deed. So I've been praying hard about it. I'm a lot like an Ent in that way and couldn't just hastily decide to do better. I had to think it through, pray about it, figure out why I had slid backward into chaos, and then, perhaps, make a change. But let it be known that prayer and thought without action, in a case like this, is not terribly fruitful. So being unfruitful, certainly did not help my unfruitfulness in any way.
Lo and behold, when I read my Bible this morning and then read through the little devotion that went along with the love verse I read, I was a bundle of conviction! I have not been loving at all! The devotion offered up a challenge to not only feel love for those around us (it actually was directed at married couples, but certainly the advice can be applied to all around me, not just my spouse), but to act loving toward them. According to dc Talk, love is a verb, so just feeling it is not enough. So I was challenged to find ways to exemplify God's love to my family. That's not terribly easy, to be honest, but it is a definite answer to prayer and I am up for the challenge. I started to feel God pushing me toward action, and that is definitely not a bad thing.
Then it occurred to me that the new At the Well challenge should be posted today, so I headed over there to check it out. And what should I see there but that my challenge for the week is to speak softly and use my words wisely. I am challenged to not stir up anger in those around me, which I tend to particularly do to my little Logan, who is so much like me that we drive each other insane most days. Speaking softly when I am annoyed is going to be a very. difficult. challenge. But again, I am up for it! I need to do this!!
So after all of my prayers with no action behind them, God clearly decided to push me into it. What I've been asking for is something He had already equipped me with and my asking for it was just redundant and sinful at best. Why should I continually be pleading to God for something that He's already given me? Well, the answer is pretty clear... so that I don't have to do the right thing. I'm justifying my decidedly un-Christ-like actions and attitudes by simply saying "I'm praying about it" and letting it go. That is NOT what God has called me to! Without fruit, without action, what am I? Why would I imagine that I can get by without following Him?
Today is the day that all that stops (again). I've started fresh may times before, and I'll probably have to do it many more times. The positive thing is that God is always there forgiving me, helping me, guiding me, forgiving me... He wants me to succeed and when I'm getting close to rock bottom, He gives me a little push in the right direction. Sometimes those pushes aren't so gentle either, but I am always grateful for them. And the coolest part is that the next time I hit rock bottom, I'll find (as I have done in my many previous rock bottom moments) that rock bottom is just a little higher than it was the last time I hit it. It's a little easier to be pulled out (because I sure as heck can't climb out myself). So despite the fact that I feel like the miserable failure that I am, I can still see that God is working on me. And that knowledge is really all I need to move forward.
"Restore to me the joy of your salvation and grant me a willing spirit, to sustain me." ~Psalm 51:12
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