The first challenge, now that the one-word euphoria has died down and real life has started to set in, is to view this challenge as something that is about more than me and the things I do. Not that there's anything wrong with wanting to do good things, but doing good stuff isn't going to get me where I want to be. Doing good things through my own power will just have me running around like Martha and never getting it all done.
So the really crucial part here is making sure that I'm not just trying to get it all done myself. Because I can do that for a few days. I've done it before. Especially right before a Tupperware party! But it never lasts, because I'm never making real changes within myself, just putting up a front and acting like a clean-house-Pharisee. To truly make this work, it has to be something that God does within me, not something that I do to my house and family.
The first thing that I'm trying to tackle is my lack of patience. The fact is, we are living in a material world and I am a material girl. I want it all to happen right now. It's like, I've decided I want a clean house and I want it cleaned.... now! (I'll even wiggle my nose if that will help). I want school with my son to be easy and I want it to start now! So, why isn't he doing his part and learning already?!
See my problem?
The other thing that has been a real hindrance this week is my words. I know that we speak out of the overflow of our hearts. But when God laid that scripture on my heart, I didn't care too much for it. I am the mom that flies off the handle and screams. And that's the overflow of my heart? No way... I love my kids more than life itself! I am momma bear, hear me roar! So why do I talk to my kids that way? I would strangle someone else who talked to them like that... Again, I am praying for patience. I had a long conversation with Logan about it and apologized to him for speaking that way to him. And he is so amazing. He hugged me and said "I'm happy you're trying to be nicer." Wow.
And something struck me, just now actually. I didn't plan to write this, but I will because it's profound. One of the main reasons that I wanted to improve my character was so that my kids would see and experience God's love in our household. And the first thing I'm working on is patience. Looks like I got myself a checklist of Godly self-improvement. Next up, kindness...
So it's been a tough couple of weeks with this one word thing. Aside from my lack of patience, my biggest problem has been this major martyr-complex. The classic "I've been slaving over a hot stove all day..." syndrome. The fact is, I really do receive a lot of joy from serving my family. Getting to spend my time loving our kids is an awesome, awesome payment for the work I do. But there are still times when my old nature kicks in and I think "I know Eric's just going to get this bed wrinkly so I don't know why I bother making it?!" or "I don't know why I'm out here washing dishes while Eric and the kids are watching TV!" Poor me... I sacrifice so much of myself. And Eric will say with a little gleam in his eye, "Well, it's not my job..." and I remember... I'm not a martyr... just a housewife. Get back in the kitchen, woman...
Seriously though... I am grateful to God for convicting me, for breaking my heart when it needed it, and for forgiving me for my major (and minor) screw-ups. And what's really awesome is that I have kept a level head with Logan for four days now. That's not saying I haven't been frustrated or even angry with him. I have! Just FYI, six-year-old boys are massively frustrating. But praise God! I have been patient with him. I have rebuked him lovingly. I have even listened with both ears when he tells me all about Lego Batman and what a hindrance Robin can be. And that's not me. That's not me at all. Only God could do that, because did I mention that six-year-old boys are frustrating?
I have been slowly, patiently working on getting things in order. It's a long process, but I am digging ditches and getting there. And I am sure it'll take at least a year, but I know the water's coming, even if I don't see the rain, and I'm trusting God until it gets here.
Parents are the very last people who ought to be allowed to have children. ~H.E. Bell
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