In which I make a resolution I can stand by (I hope)

Around the end of 2010, I started hearing little rumblings about choosing one word to focus and meditate on in the New Year instead of making a resolution. After a great deal of procrastination, I finally looked up the site and decided I'd give it a try. I put a lot of thought into this one word and I think I finally came up with something that will work really well for me and embodies the person I'd like to be at the end of 2011. I am the type (like most of us, I'm sure) that always makes resolutions with good (if slightly intoxicated) intentions and never stands by them for more than a few days. If I am totally honest, which I guess I will be here, I'm not sure that this will be any different. But I thought it would be beneficial to give it my best effort. If it works out, I'm going to focus this blog toward my one-word resolution. The site I'm using, My One Word, gives journal topics periodically, so if my blogs seem amazingly focused, it's because I've copied and pasted the topic here, then deleted it after exhausting the topic given. It's also quite likely that a lot of my links will be to scripture. I'd apologize for that, but I really don't need to because a)it's my blog and I'll link what I want to and b)there's nothing else that could possibly support my thoughts, feelings and ambitions here better.

As I'm sure anyone who will bother to read this knows, I am a stay at home mom. My biggest struggles revolve around caring for my children and organizing my home. I realized in thinking about this one word that my biggest reason for these problems is because my head isn't totally in it. Even though I'm a housewife (I prefer that to the PC "homemaker"), I still feel guilty that our family struggles financially and that I'm not in the workforce. And I must admit that I feel a bit jealous that I can't be out doing a job that I enjoy like my husband does. I, quite literally, desire my husband's position, as Genesis says that I will. It affects every aspect of my life at home, making me miserable and fairly useless at my actual calling: motherhood. I am called to be a mother to my young children, to love my husband, and to organize my home. My word is "homeward" because I want to focus my orientation homeward to be the wife, mother and woman that God wants me to be.

At the end of 2011, by focusing on this one word, I'd like to be a more devoted mother and wife. I would like to show my children the meaning of love and joy as I work in our home and teach them. I'd like to never (rarely?) be bogged down by that intense guilt that comes from yelling at my kids in anger or wasting a day doing nothing when the house is in shambles. I would love it if I could take my kids to the park without worrying that I'll be coming home, exhausted, to a big pile of CHAOS. The person I would like to become could be described with words like loving, joyful, peaceful, a good mom. I hate the feeling that I'm always doing and never accomplishing. I'd like to be the type of person who accomplishes at least a few things now and again.

I have been trying this for about a week+ now. Obviously, I'm not totally on top of it yet, since I'm just now writing the blog that should have been written a week (or two?) ago. In effect, I'm trying to change, or maybe just develop, my character. In my attempts thus far, it feels completely unnatural, and I am constantly reverting back to the old norms, just like I always have with every resolution I've ever made. The biggest difference is that this one is still on my mind, and the Holy Spirit convicts me when I'm wrong, which is frequently. Because of that, I know beyond the shadow of a doubt, that what I'm doing here is something that God wants of me. Wife and mother are, for this season of life, my highest callings.

In order to make these changes in character a reality, I am going to have to work pretty flipping hard at it. As I said, it is unnatural! To make these changes, I have to get up in the mornings, get my clothes on and make the bed. Eat a banana, so I don't get the low-blood-sugar/low-potassium grouchies (amazingly enough, eating right puts me in a better mood. Who knew?) Get my kids breakfast. Do school with my son. Straighten the house. Play with my kids. Amazingly enough, it's pretty simple stuff. And as I'm typing about it now, I imagine that nothing would bring me more joy than to serve my family in these ways. Oddly, in the morning, after getting not enough sleep, I will feel that there is no reason I can't stay in my pjs half the day, rush through school work, and lounge around on Facebook. Like Paul, I do not do what I want to do (although I doubt he ever imagined that verse would be applied to Facebook Wheel of Fortune). What's up with that? It's this cycle of laziness and selfishness that I need to change. Now, what's so hard about that?


As a housewife, I feel that if the kids are still alive when my husband gets home from work, then hey, I've done my job. ~Roseanne Barr