In which I try to look through God colored glasses

The first challenge, now that the one-word euphoria has died down and real life has started to set in, is to view this challenge as something that is about more than me and the things I do. Not that there's anything wrong with wanting to do good things, but doing good stuff isn't going to get me where I want to be. Doing good things through my own power will just have me running around like Martha and never getting it all done.

So the really crucial part here is making sure that I'm not just trying to get it all done myself. Because I can do that for a few days. I've done it before. Especially right before a Tupperware party! But it never lasts, because I'm never making real changes within myself, just putting up a front and acting like a clean-house-Pharisee. To truly make this work, it has to be something that God does within me, not something that I do to my house and family.

The first thing that I'm trying to tackle is my lack of patience. The fact is, we are living in a material world and I am a material girl. I want it all to happen right now. It's like, I've decided I want a clean house and I want it cleaned.... now! (I'll even wiggle my nose if that will help). I want school with my son to be easy and I want it to start now! So, why isn't he doing his part and learning already?!

See my problem?

The other thing that has been a real hindrance this week is my words. I know that we speak out of the overflow of our hearts. But when God laid that scripture on my heart, I didn't care too much for it. I am the mom that flies off the handle and screams. And that's the overflow of my heart? No way... I love my kids more than life itself! I am momma bear, hear me roar! So why do I talk to my kids that way? I would strangle someone else who talked to them like that... Again, I am praying for patience. I had a long conversation with Logan about it and apologized to him for speaking that way to him. And he is so amazing. He hugged me and said "I'm happy you're trying to be nicer." Wow.

And something struck me, just now actually. I didn't plan to write this, but I will because it's profound. One of the main reasons that I wanted to improve my character was so that my kids would see and experience God's love in our household. And the first thing I'm working on is patience. Looks like I got myself a checklist of Godly self-improvement. Next up, kindness...

So it's been a tough couple of weeks with this one word thing. Aside from my lack of patience, my biggest problem has been this major martyr-complex. The classic "I've been slaving over a hot stove all day..." syndrome. The fact is, I really do receive a lot of joy from serving my family. Getting to spend my time loving our kids is an awesome, awesome payment for the work I do. But there are still times when my old nature kicks in and I think "I know Eric's just going to get this bed wrinkly so I don't know why I bother making it?!" or "I don't know why I'm out here washing dishes while Eric and the kids are watching TV!" Poor me... I sacrifice so much of myself. And Eric will say with a little gleam in his eye, "Well, it's not my job..." and I remember... I'm not a martyr... just a housewife. Get back in the kitchen, woman...

Seriously though... I am grateful to God for convicting me, for breaking my heart when it needed it, and for forgiving me for my major (and minor) screw-ups. And what's really awesome is that I have kept a level head with Logan for four days now. That's not saying I haven't been frustrated or even angry with him. I have! Just FYI, six-year-old boys are massively frustrating. But praise God! I have been patient with him. I have rebuked him lovingly. I have even listened with both ears when he tells me all about Lego Batman and what a hindrance Robin can be. And that's not me. That's not me at all. Only God could do that, because did I mention that six-year-old boys are frustrating?

I have been slowly, patiently working on getting things in order. It's a long process, but I am digging ditches and getting there. And I am sure it'll take at least a year, but I know the water's coming, even if I don't see the rain, and I'm trusting God until it gets here.

Parents are the very last people who ought to be allowed to have children. ~H.E. Bell

In which I make a resolution I can stand by (I hope)

Around the end of 2010, I started hearing little rumblings about choosing one word to focus and meditate on in the New Year instead of making a resolution. After a great deal of procrastination, I finally looked up the site and decided I'd give it a try. I put a lot of thought into this one word and I think I finally came up with something that will work really well for me and embodies the person I'd like to be at the end of 2011. I am the type (like most of us, I'm sure) that always makes resolutions with good (if slightly intoxicated) intentions and never stands by them for more than a few days. If I am totally honest, which I guess I will be here, I'm not sure that this will be any different. But I thought it would be beneficial to give it my best effort. If it works out, I'm going to focus this blog toward my one-word resolution. The site I'm using, My One Word, gives journal topics periodically, so if my blogs seem amazingly focused, it's because I've copied and pasted the topic here, then deleted it after exhausting the topic given. It's also quite likely that a lot of my links will be to scripture. I'd apologize for that, but I really don't need to because a)it's my blog and I'll link what I want to and b)there's nothing else that could possibly support my thoughts, feelings and ambitions here better.

As I'm sure anyone who will bother to read this knows, I am a stay at home mom. My biggest struggles revolve around caring for my children and organizing my home. I realized in thinking about this one word that my biggest reason for these problems is because my head isn't totally in it. Even though I'm a housewife (I prefer that to the PC "homemaker"), I still feel guilty that our family struggles financially and that I'm not in the workforce. And I must admit that I feel a bit jealous that I can't be out doing a job that I enjoy like my husband does. I, quite literally, desire my husband's position, as Genesis says that I will. It affects every aspect of my life at home, making me miserable and fairly useless at my actual calling: motherhood. I am called to be a mother to my young children, to love my husband, and to organize my home. My word is "homeward" because I want to focus my orientation homeward to be the wife, mother and woman that God wants me to be.

At the end of 2011, by focusing on this one word, I'd like to be a more devoted mother and wife. I would like to show my children the meaning of love and joy as I work in our home and teach them. I'd like to never (rarely?) be bogged down by that intense guilt that comes from yelling at my kids in anger or wasting a day doing nothing when the house is in shambles. I would love it if I could take my kids to the park without worrying that I'll be coming home, exhausted, to a big pile of CHAOS. The person I would like to become could be described with words like loving, joyful, peaceful, a good mom. I hate the feeling that I'm always doing and never accomplishing. I'd like to be the type of person who accomplishes at least a few things now and again.

I have been trying this for about a week+ now. Obviously, I'm not totally on top of it yet, since I'm just now writing the blog that should have been written a week (or two?) ago. In effect, I'm trying to change, or maybe just develop, my character. In my attempts thus far, it feels completely unnatural, and I am constantly reverting back to the old norms, just like I always have with every resolution I've ever made. The biggest difference is that this one is still on my mind, and the Holy Spirit convicts me when I'm wrong, which is frequently. Because of that, I know beyond the shadow of a doubt, that what I'm doing here is something that God wants of me. Wife and mother are, for this season of life, my highest callings.

In order to make these changes in character a reality, I am going to have to work pretty flipping hard at it. As I said, it is unnatural! To make these changes, I have to get up in the mornings, get my clothes on and make the bed. Eat a banana, so I don't get the low-blood-sugar/low-potassium grouchies (amazingly enough, eating right puts me in a better mood. Who knew?) Get my kids breakfast. Do school with my son. Straighten the house. Play with my kids. Amazingly enough, it's pretty simple stuff. And as I'm typing about it now, I imagine that nothing would bring me more joy than to serve my family in these ways. Oddly, in the morning, after getting not enough sleep, I will feel that there is no reason I can't stay in my pjs half the day, rush through school work, and lounge around on Facebook. Like Paul, I do not do what I want to do (although I doubt he ever imagined that verse would be applied to Facebook Wheel of Fortune). What's up with that? It's this cycle of laziness and selfishness that I need to change. Now, what's so hard about that?


As a housewife, I feel that if the kids are still alive when my husband gets home from work, then hey, I've done my job. ~Roseanne Barr