Nine years ago, almost to the day, I bought a brand new car. It was the exact car I'd picked out: a pretty purplish-blue, the exact features and extras I wanted, and it only had 17 miles on it when I drove it off the lot. I was 18 years old and it was the first car I'd ever actually owned. I loved it and planned to drive it until it died. I even made sure to get a 4-door vehicle so that when, in the extremely distant (I thought) future when I had kids, I could still keep driving my pretty car.
Last Friday, I sold it.
It's kind of sad for me, really. I have a lot of awesome memories of that car. It took Eric and I on lots of trips to the beach and King's Dominion. It took me to work every day for years: sometimes right in town, sometimes an hour or more away. It brought my first precious baby home from the hospital. It's taken my family members to countless doctor's appointments, fun days, activities, etc... It's taken my husband and I on vacations to Florida and New Orleans; it took us on our Honeymoon! It's taken us Christmas and birthday shopping. It even took us on one memorable camping trip on a rocky road that was really only fit for a Jeep; it got a little battered and a lot splattered with mud on that trip. It's taken us to bars and to churches and everywhere in between. It's been carelessly junked up and lovingly cleaned. It got a new transmission when it was only two years old and once the entire exhaust system fell off in the parking lot, but all in all it's been a faithful traveling companion. I called it (her) Suzanne.
So, you may be wondering why, after all the miles and memories, are we making a change? Well, we're having another baby, and, as a dear friend of mine put it, "unless you have a 10-inch-wide ass [or 10-inch-wide car seat, as the case may be], another person's not fitting in there!"
And it took me a few days and one last cruise up the interstate with Suzanne, but I've made my peace with that. Suzanne was the car of a free spirit, but the fact that she isn't mine anymore doesn't change all those awesome memories nor does it change who I am.
But I must say I never, ever, ever saw myself driving a mini-van. That's right... I said mini-van. I am officially a Cub Scout hauling, play date carpooling, homeschool field-tripping, soccer mom with a soccer ball shaped belly. (Technically minus the actual soccer... we're doing Cub Scouts and karate at the moment... no soccer). That's just not what I envisioned of myself, you know?
When I bought Suzanne nine years ago, I planned to get married around age 24, have 2 kids MAX before age 30, put them both in daycare and then public school, work a day job... the normal life of an average American woman. Nothing at all wrong with that! I did live that life for quite a while after my son was born (I was 20 by the way... the best laid schemes of mice and men....). I loved my son, but I didn't want to be one of those women who gives up everything just to breed. But I found that normal life of an average American woman to be really deeply dull and unsatisfying for me.
Sometimes the Holy Spirit just comes along and smacks you in the face. And about 3.5 years ago, I met Jesus and He pretty much did just that. I met Him and fell in love with Him. I fell back in love with my husband. And as far as parenting and life, I learned two really important lessons: 1) Being a "free spirit" sometimes means going against the norm - not just the social norm; that's a given - but also the normal you've defined for yourself; and 2) a parent sometimes gives up every aspect of themselves for the good of their children.
I first noticed a parent sacrificing something huge for a child when I was pregnant with my oldest child. (I say I first noticed it because I KNOW that I witnessed examples of this many times before, many from my own mother, but as a child, I just didn't take note of these things). Anyhoo... the parent I first noticed making such a huge sacrifice was my son's father, the man who would become my husband, Eric. It was years before we were Christians - we were just stumbling along hoping to do the right things (whereas now we're still stumbling along, but we have a pretty awesome guide!). Just weeks before our son was due, Eric was offered a position with a fairly big-name regional band. the band went on to become the backing band for an extremely big-name rock star. The position he was offered was his literal dream-come-true - a dream he'd had since he was 12 years old. But he was about to become a daddy. And the position with the band meant a lot of traveling, a lot of missing out, and not a lot of being home. He turned it down and chose father-hood. I should have envisioned the mini-van then.
Since then, I've seen many examples of this, but one really tops them all. (You know me... you should have known where this was headed...). God, our heavenly father, chose to give up that part of Himself. He came to earth as a poor, helpless baby (not even a baby born in a nice birth center in a jacuzzi... he was born in a barn!). He was completely dependent on His parents. He grew up, had to go to school, learn a trade, work hard. I'm sure He got sick and He got tired and things annoyed Him. Then He started His ministry and people followed him everywhere and people said bad things about Him and even His friends didn't treat Him particularly well. And then He was betrayed by a friend, arrested, tortured and murdered. And the whole time, He was God.
He never stopped being God. But He sacrificed everything for the good of His children. In light of all that, being a stay-at-home, mini-driving mommy seems like a pretty miniscule sacrifice, even for a free spirit.
And really, when you think about it, Jesus was the ultimate free spirit. He always went against the norm. He loved those whom society hated, He put down people that society looked up to. He broke all sorts of social rules. He never, ever backed down or strayed from the Plan. Even when the things He had to do were things He really didn't want to do, He didn't quit or run away. He did what He planned to do no matter what.
That is my Jesus, the ultimate free spirit, the perfect parent. That is the man I follow. So if that means in my little life at this little moment, I have to drive a big fat mommy-van to the glory of God... Praise Him! I will do it!
The children and life that He has given to me is so much more important than the image of my self that I've designed in my own head. I sometimes (okay, often) need a little nudge to remember what and who is really important in life. Thanks be to God, I now have a large white reminder parked in my driveway. At least, it's parked there for now, until the next Cub Scout meeting. And I'll be happy to drive it there and anywhere else that He takes my growing family to make new memories in our new vehicle.
And... just as a side note, I thought I'd share this little anecdote...
The night after we got our mini-van, I had to make a 10pm grocery store run for milk and bread. The closest grocery store to us is in an area mainly populated by college students, and this happened to be a Friday night before a big home football game for the local college. So I got in line with my milk, bread, cloth shopping bags, and huge pregnant belly behind a lot of kids buying beer and Coke, juice and other mixers. (And yes, I know it sounds like I'm stereotyping them, but literally that's the kind of stuff that everyone I was behind was purchasing!) After I paid, I was walking out to my car at the same time as a good number of those kids, and it occurred to me.... "They know I'm getting into that mini-van..." I've never felt more conspicuous in my life! I just knew that they knew that I had to be the one getting into that mini-van and driving it home...
So I did.
In a couple of years they have built a home-sweet-home... with a couple of kids running in the yard of Desmond and Molly Jones...." ~The Beatles
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