In which my thoughts escape

Something I've found is that becoming "homeward" is about a lot more than walking around all day singing Paul Simon. Who knew?!

Clearly, everyone should accept this statement. So I have. I completely accept that. But how exactly can I go about putting it into practice? Really. How does a disorganized housewife go about training for Godliness? Yep, discipline. So here are the disciplines that I've actually signed on for here: self-controlled, pure, busy at home, kind, and submissive to my husband. Let me break it down...

Self-controlled: This kind of encompasses a lot, depending on your situation. What it means for me specifically is that I need to productively channel my frustrations. Being a fighter is not helpful in the home. Proverbs says that someone without self control is like a city with broken-down walls. That really resonates with me now that I'm thinking about it. I actually started this blog two days ago, but really had to meditate on this self-control thing. When I lose my self-control, I can almost feel my figurative walls start to crumble. And generally when I lose my composure, it's because I'm angry with Logan. What happens then is that I open myself up to "attacks" from him. When I am in control of my speech and emotions, I can take whatever he can deal. I might not be making an immediate difference in the situation, but I'm still in control of myself, at the very least. But once I lose control, he can break me down in a second. And then I know my whole day's gone down the drain, because I'm on edge, he's on edge, and all that will be accomplished that day is a big pile of skubala.

Pure: The obvious meaning (at least for me) of this is to be sexually pure (where's my mind?). And I think that's an extremely important message. Sex is a wonderful and beautiful thing when taken in the context that God designed for it. And I could literally write entire blogs about that topic. But I think that's another blog for another time. It is important to stay pure in that way, but that's really not a problem for me at this point in time. I'm already on guard in that area. The type of purity that needs my focus for the purposes of this exercise is a bit deeper. It's to be pure in heart, thought, motive. I think this sums it up better than I can. Imagine that. This is really a key component too, and one that I probably wouldn't have thought to address, except that I started to break down my verse. It's all well and good to do all these things, but all our righteous deeds are like (*cough*) bloody tampons. (Yeah, the bible pretty much says that). The point is to have your heart in the right place and your eyes on Jesus while you're doing what you're doing. The point is to spend your life on Him. And so no matter how clean my house is, how happy my husband is, how good my cooking is, or how well-behaved my kids are, it's all bloody tampons if my motives aren't pure.

Busy at Home: Ahh, the Proverbs 31 wife. That saucy minx! She is the delight of her husband and the envy of every housewife. To have everything that together would put me on cloud flipping nine. That is what Paul's talking about! Well... that and a bit more. I think to have it all together like old P31 is a good part and a great start of it. But the other side is that if one is busy at home, one cannot be busy in other places where one should not be. To be busy at home means 1) to actually be at home and 2) to be active while you're there. It actually means that I'm doing better work if I'm not carting my kids all over God's green earth for 1001 extracurriculars. I'm doing better work if I'm not spending my time watching soaps. And I'm doing better work if I'm home reading my Bible, writing this blog (or that one), or hanging out with my husband instead of going out to shop or have a drink. That's not to say that extracurriculars, tv, or time with friends is bad - not at all! - but those kinds of things really cannot to be high on my priority list. Busy at home means busy at home. By God's providence, we really don't have a lot of money for that kind of thing, so the "home" part isn't that difficult for me; the "busy" part may prove to be more so.

Kind: So, my best friend asked me earlier this evening how homeschooling was going. And up until that point, my initial thought would have been something to the effect of "Logan is freaking impossible!!!!" But, interestingly, what came out of my mouth was to describe how difficult it would be to have to have school in your own house where your TV, all your toys and video games, and your fun-to-play with sister are all at arms reach. And not only this, but to have your own mom, whom you know how to irritate and push around, teaching you. I have no idea why those things came out, other than divine inspiration so that I'd have an anecdote to share here. But I think that's what kindness is about. Putting yourself in another person's shoes. Having compassion toward them, even when the issues they're dealing with cause you personal discomfort (or sheer rage). Normally, I am not so great at this. Oh, sure, I always have an excuse in my mind for why the guy in front of me is driving 12 miles an hour with his blinker on for the past mile. And I never get angry at that guy. But when my husband is playing XBox instead of talking to me, it's not quite so easy for me to be kind about it. I don't mean it would be okay to let my family walk all over me, but to recognize that maybe my husband's had a hard day at work and needs a chance to unwind for a little while really wouldn't be all that out of line.

Submissive: This is not a real easy pill to swallow for a forward-thinking woman. The fact that a husband plays an important role in this sometimes lessons the blow. Really, it's not all that difficult to submit to a man who loves you so much he'd die for you and wants to give you the very best of everything he has to offer. Yep, that's what God calls him to do. All I have to do is submit to him. Submission really doesn't bother me at all because it kind of takes the pressure off, in a way. It's like I can trust that he's in control, so I don't have to be. It's very reassuring to be in submission. Girl power! Or something like that. This is the one part of submission that I'm still really trying to work out though... Adorn myself with submission?? Be submissive like Sarah?!?! What does fear have to do with anything??? I'll let you know when I work that one out. And Peter says Paul's writing is difficult to understand. Sheesh...

So..... I know what I need to do. I just need to submit to the will of God and follow these simple steps. I would say that my biggest stumbling block to all of this is my own very thick skull. Clearly I know the answers and can break it down very (okay, not very) concisely. But it's very difficult to get anywhere when one is so terribly busy fighting with one's self. The good thing is that, even though I really can't do all this, Jesus can! I just need to keep digging those ditches in faith (yep, sticking with the Elisha reference), because I know that He is faithful (God, not Elisha... although he was too...) and He wants me to live life to the full. And when I think about it in that context, I realize that the whining and "I don't wanna's" actually are coming straight from the pits of Hell.

Heavy, right? God doesn't want me and my kids sitting amidst piles of junk arguing. But someone does want that. And he comes to steal, kill, and destroy. He's coming to steal my joy, to kill my orderliness, and to destroy my relationships. Why should I allow that? The fact is, there's no reason on earth that I should. Jesus has already crushed him, and I don't have to let him mess things up for me.

Someone remind me of that next time I put down my shovel.

In which we got trouble right here in River City

It seems like par for the course that I would write one day about how well I was doing at keeping my cool with my son, and then the very next day he would drag me through hell. Gotcha!

It started yesterday morning when I told Logan to get dressed for the day and he came back and said he didn't have any pants in his drawer. Excuse me?! I have been keeping up on the house work. I know good and well that you've got pants in your drawer! After some investigation, I found that instead of putting his clothes away when Eric or I sent him to his room with a stack, he had been shoving them in the back of his closet instead of placing them in the appropriate drawer. So, I told him to take all the clothes out of the back of the closet, get dressed and I would be with him in a moment. I was fuming! I took that moment to send up a quick prayer, asking for God's guidance and an extra dose of that awesome patience he'd been providing. Then I texted Eric to clue him in to what was going on. And I went back to Logan. I told him he would need to finish all his school work, straighten his room, and put the clothes away properly before he'd be allowed TV, Xbox, DS, or computer. (And off topic, why the heck does a six-year-old have these kinds of options available to him in the first place?? Who are his parents?? I'd like to have a word....... oh.... yeah... me.) Anyway...

That was the end of my sanity for the day. The entire day was spent with me telling him what he needed to do and him retorting "I WILL NOT DO WHAT YOU SAY UNTIL YOU GIVE ME WHAT I WANT!!!!!" or "YOU WILL GIVE ME WHAT I WANT NOW!!!!! He jumped on my back. He hung on my legs. He punched me. He climbed the doorways like a monkey so I couldn't get through from room to room. This is my life. This is why I need patience. Praise God, I kept my wits about me all day. I never backed down, never raised my hand or voice in anger, never got any of my work done, and never got through to him. Eric came home, talked to him for 5 minutes, gave him three swats on the butt, and Logan started working. Seriously? Seriously?!?! I did everything I was supposed to do! I followed the rules! I went by the book! My responses were Spirit led! Why didn't my actions produce the desired response?!

So... two days after my post saying that I wasn't feeling a whole lot of resistance, I am posting that I am feeling a lot of resistance. I am feeling pretty down, honestly. It's funny how one bad day can make you forget a week of good ones. I was ready by the end of the day to put Logan on a school bus - any school bus - this morning, whether he was registered for school or not. But I can't do that, for obvious reasons, so I have to learn to cope with days like that.

So what does God say about it all? Logan's a fool? That doesn't seem right. He's stupid? I don't think that's the answer either. I have to wait for the results of my discipline? That's probably closer to it. So how do I get through with my sanity somewhat intact until that proverbial "harvest of righteousness"? Patience. The lesson is still patience, and apparently I haven't learned it yet. (Interestingly, the verse that came to mind was Galations 6:9, interesting because Logan and I memorized that one together).

It is very difficult to be "homeward" when the home in question is an unpleasant place to be. I'm doing what I can to improve things. I have cleaned and organized. I have set up routines (and am even trying to follow them!) to make our days run smoothly. But where other people are involved (especially tiny, immature people) things won't always go as planned. I am doing a good job of being an outward picture of patience, but it's not really a part of me yet. Like I said in a previous blog, this is still feeling so unnatural because I'm asking God to change my very character. I guess it's yet another thing that will come together in God's perfect timing. (Funny that I need patience to develop real patience. Seems like kind of a Catch 22). But it makes it kind of hard when I need patience, and I need it now!

Today has, admittedly, been a bit better. School work never got done yesterday. School work never got done today. Bad homeschool mommy, I know. But I just didn't have the mental strength to push the issue, because homeschooling Logan truly is a daily struggle. I am going to sign off now, because I'm in a fairly bad place, and typing this (and likely reading it) is not terribly uplifting. I'm going to turn on my iPod and listen to some praise music and dance around my housework and pray for peace. Lord help me if I have another day like yesterday any time soon.

It would seem that something which means poverty, disorder and violence every single day should be avoided entirely, but the desire to beget children is a natural urge. ~Phyllis Diller

In which I try to look through God colored glasses

The first challenge, now that the one-word euphoria has died down and real life has started to set in, is to view this challenge as something that is about more than me and the things I do. Not that there's anything wrong with wanting to do good things, but doing good stuff isn't going to get me where I want to be. Doing good things through my own power will just have me running around like Martha and never getting it all done.

So the really crucial part here is making sure that I'm not just trying to get it all done myself. Because I can do that for a few days. I've done it before. Especially right before a Tupperware party! But it never lasts, because I'm never making real changes within myself, just putting up a front and acting like a clean-house-Pharisee. To truly make this work, it has to be something that God does within me, not something that I do to my house and family.

The first thing that I'm trying to tackle is my lack of patience. The fact is, we are living in a material world and I am a material girl. I want it all to happen right now. It's like, I've decided I want a clean house and I want it cleaned.... now! (I'll even wiggle my nose if that will help). I want school with my son to be easy and I want it to start now! So, why isn't he doing his part and learning already?!

See my problem?

The other thing that has been a real hindrance this week is my words. I know that we speak out of the overflow of our hearts. But when God laid that scripture on my heart, I didn't care too much for it. I am the mom that flies off the handle and screams. And that's the overflow of my heart? No way... I love my kids more than life itself! I am momma bear, hear me roar! So why do I talk to my kids that way? I would strangle someone else who talked to them like that... Again, I am praying for patience. I had a long conversation with Logan about it and apologized to him for speaking that way to him. And he is so amazing. He hugged me and said "I'm happy you're trying to be nicer." Wow.

And something struck me, just now actually. I didn't plan to write this, but I will because it's profound. One of the main reasons that I wanted to improve my character was so that my kids would see and experience God's love in our household. And the first thing I'm working on is patience. Looks like I got myself a checklist of Godly self-improvement. Next up, kindness...

So it's been a tough couple of weeks with this one word thing. Aside from my lack of patience, my biggest problem has been this major martyr-complex. The classic "I've been slaving over a hot stove all day..." syndrome. The fact is, I really do receive a lot of joy from serving my family. Getting to spend my time loving our kids is an awesome, awesome payment for the work I do. But there are still times when my old nature kicks in and I think "I know Eric's just going to get this bed wrinkly so I don't know why I bother making it?!" or "I don't know why I'm out here washing dishes while Eric and the kids are watching TV!" Poor me... I sacrifice so much of myself. And Eric will say with a little gleam in his eye, "Well, it's not my job..." and I remember... I'm not a martyr... just a housewife. Get back in the kitchen, woman...

Seriously though... I am grateful to God for convicting me, for breaking my heart when it needed it, and for forgiving me for my major (and minor) screw-ups. And what's really awesome is that I have kept a level head with Logan for four days now. That's not saying I haven't been frustrated or even angry with him. I have! Just FYI, six-year-old boys are massively frustrating. But praise God! I have been patient with him. I have rebuked him lovingly. I have even listened with both ears when he tells me all about Lego Batman and what a hindrance Robin can be. And that's not me. That's not me at all. Only God could do that, because did I mention that six-year-old boys are frustrating?

I have been slowly, patiently working on getting things in order. It's a long process, but I am digging ditches and getting there. And I am sure it'll take at least a year, but I know the water's coming, even if I don't see the rain, and I'm trusting God until it gets here.

Parents are the very last people who ought to be allowed to have children. ~H.E. Bell

In which I make a resolution I can stand by (I hope)

Around the end of 2010, I started hearing little rumblings about choosing one word to focus and meditate on in the New Year instead of making a resolution. After a great deal of procrastination, I finally looked up the site and decided I'd give it a try. I put a lot of thought into this one word and I think I finally came up with something that will work really well for me and embodies the person I'd like to be at the end of 2011. I am the type (like most of us, I'm sure) that always makes resolutions with good (if slightly intoxicated) intentions and never stands by them for more than a few days. If I am totally honest, which I guess I will be here, I'm not sure that this will be any different. But I thought it would be beneficial to give it my best effort. If it works out, I'm going to focus this blog toward my one-word resolution. The site I'm using, My One Word, gives journal topics periodically, so if my blogs seem amazingly focused, it's because I've copied and pasted the topic here, then deleted it after exhausting the topic given. It's also quite likely that a lot of my links will be to scripture. I'd apologize for that, but I really don't need to because a)it's my blog and I'll link what I want to and b)there's nothing else that could possibly support my thoughts, feelings and ambitions here better.

As I'm sure anyone who will bother to read this knows, I am a stay at home mom. My biggest struggles revolve around caring for my children and organizing my home. I realized in thinking about this one word that my biggest reason for these problems is because my head isn't totally in it. Even though I'm a housewife (I prefer that to the PC "homemaker"), I still feel guilty that our family struggles financially and that I'm not in the workforce. And I must admit that I feel a bit jealous that I can't be out doing a job that I enjoy like my husband does. I, quite literally, desire my husband's position, as Genesis says that I will. It affects every aspect of my life at home, making me miserable and fairly useless at my actual calling: motherhood. I am called to be a mother to my young children, to love my husband, and to organize my home. My word is "homeward" because I want to focus my orientation homeward to be the wife, mother and woman that God wants me to be.

At the end of 2011, by focusing on this one word, I'd like to be a more devoted mother and wife. I would like to show my children the meaning of love and joy as I work in our home and teach them. I'd like to never (rarely?) be bogged down by that intense guilt that comes from yelling at my kids in anger or wasting a day doing nothing when the house is in shambles. I would love it if I could take my kids to the park without worrying that I'll be coming home, exhausted, to a big pile of CHAOS. The person I would like to become could be described with words like loving, joyful, peaceful, a good mom. I hate the feeling that I'm always doing and never accomplishing. I'd like to be the type of person who accomplishes at least a few things now and again.

I have been trying this for about a week+ now. Obviously, I'm not totally on top of it yet, since I'm just now writing the blog that should have been written a week (or two?) ago. In effect, I'm trying to change, or maybe just develop, my character. In my attempts thus far, it feels completely unnatural, and I am constantly reverting back to the old norms, just like I always have with every resolution I've ever made. The biggest difference is that this one is still on my mind, and the Holy Spirit convicts me when I'm wrong, which is frequently. Because of that, I know beyond the shadow of a doubt, that what I'm doing here is something that God wants of me. Wife and mother are, for this season of life, my highest callings.

In order to make these changes in character a reality, I am going to have to work pretty flipping hard at it. As I said, it is unnatural! To make these changes, I have to get up in the mornings, get my clothes on and make the bed. Eat a banana, so I don't get the low-blood-sugar/low-potassium grouchies (amazingly enough, eating right puts me in a better mood. Who knew?) Get my kids breakfast. Do school with my son. Straighten the house. Play with my kids. Amazingly enough, it's pretty simple stuff. And as I'm typing about it now, I imagine that nothing would bring me more joy than to serve my family in these ways. Oddly, in the morning, after getting not enough sleep, I will feel that there is no reason I can't stay in my pjs half the day, rush through school work, and lounge around on Facebook. Like Paul, I do not do what I want to do (although I doubt he ever imagined that verse would be applied to Facebook Wheel of Fortune). What's up with that? It's this cycle of laziness and selfishness that I need to change. Now, what's so hard about that?


As a housewife, I feel that if the kids are still alive when my husband gets home from work, then hey, I've done my job. ~Roseanne Barr